My waking thought at 6 18am is: The Bible aptly categorizes this world; vanity stacked on vanity, all is vanity. It is of interest to me that this is my primordial thought on a Monday morning...not Is it going to be cold outside today or am I going to do well at school today? Just vanity...I'm not tired of life; I love it. God has provided for me so completely that I am overwhelmed with emotion, and I cannot keep it in...When men cry, something has got to change...I thought about that yesterday, and now, I'm thinking: When the sons and daughters of God cry, something has got to change. I feel the chauvinist spirit in a lot of Christian guys I meet; a spirit that intends to crush the wife's goals and aspirations beneath theirs, and I cannot help but think that cannot be in God's perfect will.
Genesis 1:17: So God created man in His own image, in His image created He him; male and female created He them.
If all man needed was someone to help him accomplish his goal, I do not think God needed to make someone else comparable to him
(Genesis 3:8---And the Lord said, It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him an help meet for him)
(That means a lot...comparable to him...as I run over that in my head, I can see the "perfect" man and the woman, seeking to push each other to higher levels of glory.)
An help for what? For subduing the earth? God could always make more men if he needed number; but He needed variety, a different perspective. I believe that a woman's destiny should be unrelentingly seeking to push God to His "limit" (remember the virtuous woman who is praised in all the land); I believe that a man and a woman should have an intertwined destiny with each of them desiring to see the other glorify God by the works of their hands (whatever your hand findeth to do, do it well).
I am alive...In this moment, I am free; there are moments in our lives where a particular song rings over and over in our heads. I find it more profound when it is a song that I haven't heard in a while...I wonder, why now? Why pop up now? All day, I've had this tugging to listen to Made to Worship by Chris Tomlin, and since I don't have it on my Itunes, I have to get it off the net (but my school reduced the availability of streamed videos), so I cannot listen to the entire song. But, when it starts, it just tears me apart, and my cry to God is honor me...I just looked at the lyrics to the song, and they are simplistically ethereal...
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
What more can I say? There is nothing left to say
It's really vexatious to lose a "shower thought"...seriously, it's frustrating to think about something exceptional while taking a shower, only to realize later that the thought has become a shadow behind the clouds of the mind, like the vapor fogging the mirror...I appreciate the sheer brilliance of the audio-computers (computers that can can be trained to write as a familiar voice speaks to them)!! Oh yeah, I just remembered it!! It's about the whole "black and white" thing...America is literally a myriad of different cultures and influences; and if I did not know better, I would expect that there would be a micro-evolution process which will produce a people of varying skills. But things always turn out supine, on their backs, the opposite of what is expected...hearing people from the country area and generally "whites" (for lack of a better word...I feel an uneasinesses when I categorize people like this...I hate that I do not have a better word...yet) draw the conclusion that they cannot do "black" (for lack of a better word..yet) things, like dancing, by virtue of their color saddens me; yet another thing that needs to be changed!! No, not just the dancing...but the mindset...it has to change!!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Day 38
I picked up my Bible after reading the Da Vinci Code and I realized how much perspective affects our interpretation of the Bible. In Mark 14:6, Jesus rebukes the people who murmur about Mary's act of sacrifice (by breaking the alabaster box), and the wording in the Bible is perfectly innocent; but after being exposed to the ideas in the Da Vinci Code, I see how people can support the claim that Jesus has Mary as a "favorite." This shows, not how foolish and myopic we are by completely believing the scripture, but how much we must guard our hearts from the deceit of the world. My daily prayer is: God show me Your path, the true path that leads to you; do not let me get circumvented by the religious teachings of a people not chasing after You...show me Your meaning and perspective in things...Let me read Your Bible through Your perspective.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Day 37
I really don't know what to say bout today...maybe I should have danced; I tried, but I was just not in the mood. I truly believe God has taken way my moods; sometimes, I'm silent...but then again, now that I think of it, I did think some strange things today. But most of it were stray thoughts...God I want to be complete in You. Show me Your hand...Lord, how can I comprehend You? Vila says the brain is a 3 pound mass of flesh that can reason interstellar flights, comprehend infinity, and also be aware that it can comprehend infinity; but how can I comprehend You? Even if You come down and I see you physically, how much will my brain try to rationalize it? Worse still, will I downplay the magnitude of such a display? I think not...I think I have seen a lot and it still reduces me to a little boy to think of all God has shown me, all I've been through in my a little less than 20 years. I'm young; but old enough...I'll be twenty soon, very soon...very soon, and I want to be happy; I want to be able to make my choices without feeling bad about hurting someone else's feelings. but I don't think that is possible. Thing is, I must be who I must or go crazy...God, you understand my desires because You gave them to me; do not let me rush things; guide me oh faithful One; lead me on.
We had a NSBE conference at Clarkson today; and something that made an impact on me is how much work I will need to put into school. Even now, I am making really good grades but I am not focusing that much on school; and I am thinking, something has to give. I just told God that I am not willing to sacrifice my time with Him for school; that leaves my relationships, and I will VERY grudgingly give that up if I must. I have always been a solitary "creature"; I do not think I have ever had a best friend (maybe I have, at certain points in my life); I can give up my friends...or can I? I love "too much", and am willing to sacrifice "too much"...but in the interest of the better good, I must consider that everything comes at a price; but isn't sacrificing friends "for their own interest" too big a price to pay? I think the real question here is how much money do I really want to make in about 10 years; how financially secure do I want to be? How willing am I to give up a part of my "life" for the greater good of my "future" and "destiny"? It seems like I am going around in circles; but I need God's wisdom (funny thing is that for two weeks, all I have had to ask God for is wisdom...maybe I am at breakthrough point...maybe...hopefully...it won't be coming too soon that's for sure!)
We had a NSBE conference at Clarkson today; and something that made an impact on me is how much work I will need to put into school. Even now, I am making really good grades but I am not focusing that much on school; and I am thinking, something has to give. I just told God that I am not willing to sacrifice my time with Him for school; that leaves my relationships, and I will VERY grudgingly give that up if I must. I have always been a solitary "creature"; I do not think I have ever had a best friend (maybe I have, at certain points in my life); I can give up my friends...or can I? I love "too much", and am willing to sacrifice "too much"...but in the interest of the better good, I must consider that everything comes at a price; but isn't sacrificing friends "for their own interest" too big a price to pay? I think the real question here is how much money do I really want to make in about 10 years; how financially secure do I want to be? How willing am I to give up a part of my "life" for the greater good of my "future" and "destiny"? It seems like I am going around in circles; but I need God's wisdom (funny thing is that for two weeks, all I have had to ask God for is wisdom...maybe I am at breakthrough point...maybe...hopefully...it won't be coming too soon that's for sure!)
Friday, October 26, 2007
Day 36
I just watched to two talks: one, heartwarming; and the other, brilliant...revealed genius!! It is so outstanding that I regret not watching TED talks for a while now; last time I was on TED, an atheist totally depressed me; not because he made me question my faith, it was just some response to his highly uninformed talk (and this was supposed to be a "renowned" scientist).
I wish to present to you Vilayanur Ramchandran, neurologist extraordinaire...I will explain the basics of his talk in easily understandable language, but watch it if you can.
Vila started off with a phenomenon known as the Capgras delusion, where a patient (after a fully successful coma treatment or something of that sort) sees a family member or a closely attached item, and even though he accepts that the person or item is totally identical to the "real person or item", he refuses to accept that they are the same (so he calls the individual or dog or relative an impostor). Vila referred to the Freudian Oedipus complex, which postulates that a child is attracted sexually to his mother at an early stage in life, and the sexual attractions are inhibited, and enclosed during maturity.
So, it can be theorized that when an accident occurs, this "sexual storage sac" bursts open and the patient feels sexually attracted to his mother again; and because of this, he concludes that the woman he is sexually attracted to cannot be his "real" mother. Vila refutes this theory becuse he had also seen a case where the impostor item was a poodle (so, was the patient sexually attracted to Fifi, the poodle? He thinks not).
It is interesting to note that when the mother calls the patient on the phone from another room, he sounds excited and accepts that he has received a call from his mother. Vila hinges his theory on this: when an acident occurs, a part of the brain linking the fusiform gyrus (visual area) of the brain to the amygdala (which is responsible for aggression) in the limbic system (emotional part); this causes a lack of emotion when the patient sees the impostor item, and he concludes that it cannot be the real item.
It is important to understand that the part of the brain responsible for auditory functions has different channels linked to the amydala from the visual portion; and so, even though the patient cannot believe things when he sees it, he will accept it if he hears it.
The next talk is the somewhat common Phantom Limb phenomena. Vila specifically did his research on the phantom limb pain associated with patients that have lost a limb. He found that when a patient has his injured limb in a certain painful state (example in a cast), and that limb is amputated, the patient begins to experience phantom limb pains. This is because when the limb was in the painful position, and the brain sent impulses to it to perform an action (like move), it could not respond positively; and this clash of commands back and forth brought about a painful sensation. Now, when the limb is amputated, the brain still sends the commands to the limb and it refuses to respond (because it is obviously not there anymore), and so, pain is experienced. He postulates that a mirror box is the solution: a perfectly lucid patient (who is aware of the millor illusion that is about to occur) sits in a position such that his real hand is reflected in the mirror and it looks exactly like it is his other hand (reflective properties of mirrors). When the patient wiggles his hand, his "phantom hand" wiggles, and he truly BELIEVES his phantom hand is able to move. It is interesting to note that it is not really the man who is being deceived, but the brain (this is a disturbing thought; is the brain then greater than the man? I don't think so, because I have experienced situations where I refused to do what my brain "commanded", I did not perform reflex actions). So after weeks of practice, after the brain became satisfied that its commands were obeyed, the pain disappeared.
The last, but certainly not the least, is the synesthesia effect, where people see smells and identify colors with numbers; he explains that this is very dominant in artsies. He postulates that this phenomenon is a result of the miswiring of certain adjacent parts of our fusiform gyrus, which are responsible for different cognitive functions. This part of his talk elicited an immediate question: How does this happen? He gave his theory immediately I asked it; he says, We are all synesthestic, but most of us are in denial. This is why a lot of people have lost their artistic touch; engineering has shifted emphasis towards "reality" and away from the metaphorical.
He had a demonstration where he showed two strangely shaped "Martians": one of them was rounded and the other was sharp edged. When asked to separate them by specific name he selected prior to the question, the vast majority associated the sharper Martian as Kiki and the more rounded as Bobo. He says this is because the brain connects the "sharper" sound of Kiki to the more edgy shape, and verse versa.
I find this phenomenal. But, I ask, if we are all synesthestic, why should the brain be miswired from birth? Is he accepting the evolutionary theorems of "natural selection"? Is he saying that this "abnormality" is a result of prolonged genetic "mutations"? The argument does not seem very valid to me because even in ancient times, the world had its artists and "engineers." So why would nature select the artistic part of the brain in a world that is developing exponentially in the engineering aspects, and seeing less avant-garde from the dwindling intelligentsia.
Here is a preview for the talk; see for yourselves at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/184:
By the way, the first Ethiopian woman whose speech was on creating markets in Ethiopia said something I find profound, Happiness is the freedom of choice; where to live, where to eat, what to wear...
I wish to present to you Vilayanur Ramchandran, neurologist extraordinaire...I will explain the basics of his talk in easily understandable language, but watch it if you can.
Vila started off with a phenomenon known as the Capgras delusion, where a patient (after a fully successful coma treatment or something of that sort) sees a family member or a closely attached item, and even though he accepts that the person or item is totally identical to the "real person or item", he refuses to accept that they are the same (so he calls the individual or dog or relative an impostor). Vila referred to the Freudian Oedipus complex, which postulates that a child is attracted sexually to his mother at an early stage in life, and the sexual attractions are inhibited, and enclosed during maturity.
So, it can be theorized that when an accident occurs, this "sexual storage sac" bursts open and the patient feels sexually attracted to his mother again; and because of this, he concludes that the woman he is sexually attracted to cannot be his "real" mother. Vila refutes this theory becuse he had also seen a case where the impostor item was a poodle (so, was the patient sexually attracted to Fifi, the poodle? He thinks not).
It is interesting to note that when the mother calls the patient on the phone from another room, he sounds excited and accepts that he has received a call from his mother. Vila hinges his theory on this: when an acident occurs, a part of the brain linking the fusiform gyrus (visual area) of the brain to the amygdala (which is responsible for aggression) in the limbic system (emotional part); this causes a lack of emotion when the patient sees the impostor item, and he concludes that it cannot be the real item.
It is important to understand that the part of the brain responsible for auditory functions has different channels linked to the amydala from the visual portion; and so, even though the patient cannot believe things when he sees it, he will accept it if he hears it.
The next talk is the somewhat common Phantom Limb phenomena. Vila specifically did his research on the phantom limb pain associated with patients that have lost a limb. He found that when a patient has his injured limb in a certain painful state (example in a cast), and that limb is amputated, the patient begins to experience phantom limb pains. This is because when the limb was in the painful position, and the brain sent impulses to it to perform an action (like move), it could not respond positively; and this clash of commands back and forth brought about a painful sensation. Now, when the limb is amputated, the brain still sends the commands to the limb and it refuses to respond (because it is obviously not there anymore), and so, pain is experienced. He postulates that a mirror box is the solution: a perfectly lucid patient (who is aware of the millor illusion that is about to occur) sits in a position such that his real hand is reflected in the mirror and it looks exactly like it is his other hand (reflective properties of mirrors). When the patient wiggles his hand, his "phantom hand" wiggles, and he truly BELIEVES his phantom hand is able to move. It is interesting to note that it is not really the man who is being deceived, but the brain (this is a disturbing thought; is the brain then greater than the man? I don't think so, because I have experienced situations where I refused to do what my brain "commanded", I did not perform reflex actions). So after weeks of practice, after the brain became satisfied that its commands were obeyed, the pain disappeared.
The last, but certainly not the least, is the synesthesia effect, where people see smells and identify colors with numbers; he explains that this is very dominant in artsies. He postulates that this phenomenon is a result of the miswiring of certain adjacent parts of our fusiform gyrus, which are responsible for different cognitive functions. This part of his talk elicited an immediate question: How does this happen? He gave his theory immediately I asked it; he says, We are all synesthestic, but most of us are in denial. This is why a lot of people have lost their artistic touch; engineering has shifted emphasis towards "reality" and away from the metaphorical.
He had a demonstration where he showed two strangely shaped "Martians": one of them was rounded and the other was sharp edged. When asked to separate them by specific name he selected prior to the question, the vast majority associated the sharper Martian as Kiki and the more rounded as Bobo. He says this is because the brain connects the "sharper" sound of Kiki to the more edgy shape, and verse versa.
I find this phenomenal. But, I ask, if we are all synesthestic, why should the brain be miswired from birth? Is he accepting the evolutionary theorems of "natural selection"? Is he saying that this "abnormality" is a result of prolonged genetic "mutations"? The argument does not seem very valid to me because even in ancient times, the world had its artists and "engineers." So why would nature select the artistic part of the brain in a world that is developing exponentially in the engineering aspects, and seeing less avant-garde from the dwindling intelligentsia.
Here is a preview for the talk; see for yourselves at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/184:
By the way, the first Ethiopian woman whose speech was on creating markets in Ethiopia said something I find profound, Happiness is the freedom of choice; where to live, where to eat, what to wear...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Day 34
I need to remember this and look through it more:
http://www.poetryoutloud.org/poems/browsepoems.html
It's 1:34...so what? so what I say?
http://www.poetryoutloud.org/poems/browsepoems.html
It's 1:34...so what? so what I say?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Day 33
So I have been unhappy with the effect that I am having on the (non-Christian)kids on campus and everything; it sometimes seems like I am ineffectual. But sitting here, praying over my cinnamon roll (as usual), I realize that (what might have started as a habit) has become a form of ministry to other people. They must look at me and b like, whatever is he doing? Praying? Over a cinnamon roll? So, maybe I have started that off: being a model for God...
I was thinking..and I would love to live in a "quiet" city...more of an artsy type place...u knw? coffee houses...dark mellow bars with exceptional lighting...insane dance clubs...photography parlors, insane pictures...poetry slam clubs with poetry on every corner of the room (ceiling...floor..tables...illuminated all)...exquisite restaurants...game houses (i'm not much of a gamer anymore)...chill zones (where people can actually go into round-tabled rooms and discuss matters of interest)...modeling rooms...blended cloth stores, a touch of european, african, (some american...only some..LL), mediterranean...sport stores...artsy gyms with pictures emblazoned on the walls...the Bible room with "medieval" Bibles engraved into the walls...lights...lights...lights....music...music...music...an artsy's very own enclave....conclave even...i can see it all...can't you see...can't you dream...cant u believe...cant u hope...i think i will own some of it...too big a dream? too "selfish?" too "greedy"? maybe...maybe not...
So, I was wondering, if a lack of a certain amount of sleep "shortens" the "life span", and I stay awake for longer periods of time than anyone else because I "shorten" my "life span", who is t say that I am not "alive" for the longer period of time? I dream in sleep just like the next person...maybe even more...so, at the end of it all, who is the victor in this rat race of time? Who is "vanquished"? Is there really even a battle, really? Also, how does one cure excess sleep? I had 8 hours of sleep and I am more tired than when I get 5 or 6...a professor one said, It is not the amount of sleep that you get but how you feel during the rest of the day that shows if you have had enough sleep (I can't find the link now!!)
There are moment sin my life when I am so "brilliant" and I can understand and do "almost" (for modesty sake) anything that I lay my hands on. I can write realy good poems...solve extremely convoluted Calc problems in unique ways...sing in a nice voice...dance fluidly..see everything, beauty in a bicycle, hair patterns, eyes...I thank God for such creative moments when He offers ema a glimpse of what life after death holds for us all...a visionary future...no, past...no, present...no, eternity...
I was really sleepy in class (maybe 8hrs of sleep is too much...I feel more tired these days than when I got less as mentioned above) and I pendulumed from sleep to alertness and back...I heard the Professor's voice, but it seemed like he was talking from or into a hollow log...it just reverberated deeply..was it hearing it in the subconcious at those times? Could I repeat it if called upon? Maybe...maybe not...
I had a quick conversation with that kid who I said I did not like (the Tumnus), and I change my mind...maybe he is not so bad anyways...he still had the same look in his eyes that he usually does when I think I don't like him...It's bad to think you know people when you really don't!! The ficklty of the human "character"...
I learnt (which by the way is a word!! learned is just the American way!!) in Creative Writing class that I can over grammatize (my word) a poem..you know? Put in too many alliterations and stuff..yeah, so I know I do that a lot...I'm going to work on that.
I also found that there is such a thing as "clear cloudy sky". I was walking back from my cell group and I looked up at the sky and it was extremely clear (it was also night..LL); but there were some clouds floating around..you know? It was beautiful..one was floating right under the moon, and it was made up of different colors: purple, blue, green...there were more I could not get a hold on...
Cell group was incredible...prophecies were confirmed (once again) and we lay hands on each other..everyone had words of prophecy. Incredible, it was...happen again, it will (yeah, I'm in Yoda phase)
Yeah, so check out this Budweiser commercial; what is it about certain animals that make them so effective? Like the Geico gecko, or Roadrunner's roadrunner, or as I will show frogs and chameleons for Bud... (Oh, by the way, I've seen a gorilla trying to sell something on financial security in a sauna..it just did not cut it!)
I was thinking..and I would love to live in a "quiet" city...more of an artsy type place...u knw? coffee houses...dark mellow bars with exceptional lighting...insane dance clubs...photography parlors, insane pictures...poetry slam clubs with poetry on every corner of the room (ceiling...floor..tables...illuminated all)...exquisite restaurants...game houses (i'm not much of a gamer anymore)...chill zones (where people can actually go into round-tabled rooms and discuss matters of interest)...modeling rooms...blended cloth stores, a touch of european, african, (some american...only some..LL), mediterranean...sport stores...artsy gyms with pictures emblazoned on the walls...the Bible room with "medieval" Bibles engraved into the walls...lights...lights...lights....music...music...music...an artsy's very own enclave....conclave even...i can see it all...can't you see...can't you dream...cant u believe...cant u hope...i think i will own some of it...too big a dream? too "selfish?" too "greedy"? maybe...maybe not...
So, I was wondering, if a lack of a certain amount of sleep "shortens" the "life span", and I stay awake for longer periods of time than anyone else because I "shorten" my "life span", who is t say that I am not "alive" for the longer period of time? I dream in sleep just like the next person...maybe even more...so, at the end of it all, who is the victor in this rat race of time? Who is "vanquished"? Is there really even a battle, really? Also, how does one cure excess sleep? I had 8 hours of sleep and I am more tired than when I get 5 or 6...a professor one said, It is not the amount of sleep that you get but how you feel during the rest of the day that shows if you have had enough sleep (I can't find the link now!!)
There are moment sin my life when I am so "brilliant" and I can understand and do "almost" (for modesty sake) anything that I lay my hands on. I can write realy good poems...solve extremely convoluted Calc problems in unique ways...sing in a nice voice...dance fluidly..see everything, beauty in a bicycle, hair patterns, eyes...I thank God for such creative moments when He offers ema a glimpse of what life after death holds for us all...a visionary future...no, past...no, present...no, eternity...
I was really sleepy in class (maybe 8hrs of sleep is too much...I feel more tired these days than when I got less as mentioned above) and I pendulumed from sleep to alertness and back...I heard the Professor's voice, but it seemed like he was talking from or into a hollow log...it just reverberated deeply..was it hearing it in the subconcious at those times? Could I repeat it if called upon? Maybe...maybe not...
I had a quick conversation with that kid who I said I did not like (the Tumnus), and I change my mind...maybe he is not so bad anyways...he still had the same look in his eyes that he usually does when I think I don't like him...It's bad to think you know people when you really don't!! The ficklty of the human "character"...
I learnt (which by the way is a word!! learned is just the American way!!) in Creative Writing class that I can over grammatize (my word) a poem..you know? Put in too many alliterations and stuff..yeah, so I know I do that a lot...I'm going to work on that.
I also found that there is such a thing as "clear cloudy sky". I was walking back from my cell group and I looked up at the sky and it was extremely clear (it was also night..LL); but there were some clouds floating around..you know? It was beautiful..one was floating right under the moon, and it was made up of different colors: purple, blue, green...there were more I could not get a hold on...
Cell group was incredible...prophecies were confirmed (once again) and we lay hands on each other..everyone had words of prophecy. Incredible, it was...happen again, it will (yeah, I'm in Yoda phase)
Yeah, so check out this Budweiser commercial; what is it about certain animals that make them so effective? Like the Geico gecko, or Roadrunner's roadrunner, or as I will show frogs and chameleons for Bud... (Oh, by the way, I've seen a gorilla trying to sell something on financial security in a sauna..it just did not cut it!)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Day 32
I am reading my Chem material because I have missed quite a bit of classes, and I need to catch up for my test in a few days (actually two days); but I had to come over and write here first. Someone just told me that I was his guide to God, and I am overwhelmed...Interesting thing is that when I first met him on a trip to Lake Placid, he followed me around for "no" reason; and while I wanted to check out the cloth shops, he insisted that we climb up to a church which was literally set on a hill. I must add that I was somewhat hesitant; but when I realized he was going to go up without me, I "led" the way or "followed" (I cannot remember which)...maybe because I love too much...So, I accept that maybe I was his guide to God; but he chose God and God chose him.
I'm in the right place. I struggled so much with staying here at several points this year; my family wanted me to move closer to the "South" where I have more "people", but I stayed. I remember how I applied to Clarkson: all my "first-choice" schools (Pronceton, MIT, cant remember if I applied to Duke) did not admit me; Princeton interviewed me and it went really well, and the woman who conducted the interview said something to me, It does not matter if you are admitted into Princeton or not, I am sure you will have an impact wherever you go.
After she said that, I was not very excited about going to an Ivy-League school anymore. But, yeah...when I did not get in, I was devastated...I was turning 19 and I still did not have a college admission letter. It was really most of my fault since I did not apply to less prestigious schools. Important thing to note here is that I had stayed at home for almost two years (I graduated from high school at 16); and I was getting very frustrated! I searched online for different schools that still met my standard, starting from NY cos I had friends there (little did I know I would end up in Upstate NY). Clarkson was one of the first schools I applied to; actually come to think of it, I think it was the only school I applied to. One other school I applied to seemed to have lost my admission information and informed me after their deadline had passed. I was called up for an interview for the Clarkson Honors Program, and I was accepted. The rest from then on is really history.
After my first tutoring session, I was really tired and then later, I was in a really strange mood...you know...so, I tuned into immem and searched for mellow songs...Brought up a bunch of keith sweet and the likes...R u serious man? Mellow? I seacrhed for Goo Goo Dolls and selected the playlist...First song: Iris...There was a couple over at the other side of the table and immediately I started it, it changed the mood...She kissed him on the neck and all of that (I'm not saying you should be kissing your mate on the neck or nothing..infact, I would suggest you leave off such things until the best time: marriage)...and I was like, wow...music has such an overwhelming power!! This world is extremely complex; very convoluted, enigmatic place!! I love it; sometimes it drives me crazy...So, now I want Micheal Buble...I have to tutor in about 20 minutes anyways..off at 10:15. It's gonna be one of those nights...
I'm in the right place. I struggled so much with staying here at several points this year; my family wanted me to move closer to the "South" where I have more "people", but I stayed. I remember how I applied to Clarkson: all my "first-choice" schools (Pronceton, MIT, cant remember if I applied to Duke) did not admit me; Princeton interviewed me and it went really well, and the woman who conducted the interview said something to me, It does not matter if you are admitted into Princeton or not, I am sure you will have an impact wherever you go.
After she said that, I was not very excited about going to an Ivy-League school anymore. But, yeah...when I did not get in, I was devastated...I was turning 19 and I still did not have a college admission letter. It was really most of my fault since I did not apply to less prestigious schools. Important thing to note here is that I had stayed at home for almost two years (I graduated from high school at 16); and I was getting very frustrated! I searched online for different schools that still met my standard, starting from NY cos I had friends there (little did I know I would end up in Upstate NY). Clarkson was one of the first schools I applied to; actually come to think of it, I think it was the only school I applied to. One other school I applied to seemed to have lost my admission information and informed me after their deadline had passed. I was called up for an interview for the Clarkson Honors Program, and I was accepted. The rest from then on is really history.
After my first tutoring session, I was really tired and then later, I was in a really strange mood...you know...so, I tuned into immem and searched for mellow songs...Brought up a bunch of keith sweet and the likes...R u serious man? Mellow? I seacrhed for Goo Goo Dolls and selected the playlist...First song: Iris...There was a couple over at the other side of the table and immediately I started it, it changed the mood...She kissed him on the neck and all of that (I'm not saying you should be kissing your mate on the neck or nothing..infact, I would suggest you leave off such things until the best time: marriage)...and I was like, wow...music has such an overwhelming power!! This world is extremely complex; very convoluted, enigmatic place!! I love it; sometimes it drives me crazy...So, now I want Micheal Buble...I have to tutor in about 20 minutes anyways..off at 10:15. It's gonna be one of those nights...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Day 31
I realize something very interesting at about 12:31am while pulling my laundry from the dryer: I am recording my life history; how then can I forget my mistakes and not learn from them when I can look back upon them?
Occupying the office of a prophet is an EXTRAORDINARY thing!! Wow...and if I remember clearly, that was the desire of my heart when I first truly walked into the body of Christ...See kids? Dream!! Pray!! Ask!! No prayers go unanswered!! Woo hoo!! LL...Woo hoo...It's an extraordinary thing to feel like a child...maybe that's why I love kids so much...woo hoo!!
Oh yeah, I thought about something today:
When men cry, there had better be results!
Occupying the office of a prophet is an EXTRAORDINARY thing!! Wow...and if I remember clearly, that was the desire of my heart when I first truly walked into the body of Christ...See kids? Dream!! Pray!! Ask!! No prayers go unanswered!! Woo hoo!! LL...Woo hoo...It's an extraordinary thing to feel like a child...maybe that's why I love kids so much...woo hoo!!
Oh yeah, I thought about something today:
When men cry, there had better be results!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Day 30
Officially one of d mst incredible days this month. First, I get water baptized, and God tells me He is making me a new man; so, I find out that my neck thing (I don't let people touch the back of my neck..never!!) is gone!! I also meet this woman who can hook me up with some incredible stuff back home.
A guy from the BASIC leadership prays for me concerning my future!!
Over at 57, I received some revelation:
** that suspense linked with the uncertain...looking beyond into the clouds; the walk through the valley of the shadow of death; the slow painful beating of the heart: that is a yearn for purpose (at least in my life)
God can do more than all we ask: Remove all limitations, barriers; there are no rules or laws; you make yours because they are God's (your desire is His desire); nothing is impossible...And I asked, how can we comprehend big? We look at the accomplishments of people in setting our bounds...How much do we look beyond into the clouds?
I asked God, Why did You chose me? And He said, Because you chose Me. And I asked, Why did I chose You Lord? Why? And He answered something that seemed random to me, Because you are My first-pick. After taking his time, He continued, I let you into My house and you ate of My fruits; You asked for more and I gave you according to the hunger of your stomach; and then I gave you a hunger in your heart.
We are all different...so it finally makes real sense to me that we are all God's favorites. Just like an orange differs from an apple, so also do each of us differ from the other in the eyes of God. Eyes have not seen, nor ears heard what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him; so the God's power of creation supersedes the power of human thought and comprehension.
God said unto me, Push Me to My limit and see what I can do
So I got into one of my crazy moods, and I walked down the street away from 57, and I saw grains and splinters of glass all across the ground; so I asked God to put it back together and after a while (I was patiently waiting), I heard a voice that asked me to ask for something great, and I thought it was my mind trying to stop me from experiencing a mind-blowing miracle!! After a while, God spoke again, and I realized that I was testing Him, and so I asked that He put the world back together.
I wish I could write more; but I have work to do.
A guy from the BASIC leadership prays for me concerning my future!!
Over at 57, I received some revelation:
** that suspense linked with the uncertain...looking beyond into the clouds; the walk through the valley of the shadow of death; the slow painful beating of the heart: that is a yearn for purpose (at least in my life)
God can do more than all we ask: Remove all limitations, barriers; there are no rules or laws; you make yours because they are God's (your desire is His desire); nothing is impossible...And I asked, how can we comprehend big? We look at the accomplishments of people in setting our bounds...How much do we look beyond into the clouds?
I asked God, Why did You chose me? And He said, Because you chose Me. And I asked, Why did I chose You Lord? Why? And He answered something that seemed random to me, Because you are My first-pick. After taking his time, He continued, I let you into My house and you ate of My fruits; You asked for more and I gave you according to the hunger of your stomach; and then I gave you a hunger in your heart.
We are all different...so it finally makes real sense to me that we are all God's favorites. Just like an orange differs from an apple, so also do each of us differ from the other in the eyes of God. Eyes have not seen, nor ears heard what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him; so the God's power of creation supersedes the power of human thought and comprehension.
God said unto me, Push Me to My limit and see what I can do
So I got into one of my crazy moods, and I walked down the street away from 57, and I saw grains and splinters of glass all across the ground; so I asked God to put it back together and after a while (I was patiently waiting), I heard a voice that asked me to ask for something great, and I thought it was my mind trying to stop me from experiencing a mind-blowing miracle!! After a while, God spoke again, and I realized that I was testing Him, and so I asked that He put the world back together.
I wish I could write more; but I have work to do.
Day 29
Today is (and yesterday was) incredible!! Hung out with some awesome friends. There was something joyful about today; I felt the love and unity of a family, and I suddenly miss my siblings. I felt alive...I think I might have made some mistakes concerning some issues tonight; so at a point, I asked God where He was; and He said He was right there, and I knew I did things right. I am still confused; yet, I have given everything up to him, so I do not worry about it anymore.
Oh, yeah, I watched the "Ultimate Gift" again yesterday; it is one of the most incredible movies I have seen. I think I need a dose of "Transformers" or "Ultimate Gift" as I start off my day.
I love children...I think I can handle them...I met a 10 year old who reminded me of myself...he was so inquisitive, and he knew a lot for his age (we talked about blood diamonds in Sierra Leone)...definitely more than I knew when I was his age. God, I ask for blessings on that little boy's life.
Show me more dreams; reveal Yourself to me...
Oh, yeah, I watched the "Ultimate Gift" again yesterday; it is one of the most incredible movies I have seen. I think I need a dose of "Transformers" or "Ultimate Gift" as I start off my day.
I love children...I think I can handle them...I met a 10 year old who reminded me of myself...he was so inquisitive, and he knew a lot for his age (we talked about blood diamonds in Sierra Leone)...definitely more than I knew when I was his age. God, I ask for blessings on that little boy's life.
Show me more dreams; reveal Yourself to me...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Day 28
I sit in bed, my face austere; my roommate sensing a "tension" wants to know if I am angry at anything. Truth is I am not; I am just silent; I saw "Transformers" again, and although I think it is an incredibly corny and poorly worded movie, it always has a numbing effect on me. First time I saw it at Roxy, I walked back to Clarkson in the deep of the night, and I actually told God I wanted to meet a bear (I was totally unafraid of death). It makes me think; it makes me dream...it makes me question and pray...and hope. I borrowed "The Ultimate Gift" today; and I intend to set out time to watch it. Hunger is a state of the mind (well, that is not particularly true); the only reason I eat is because I know I need it at the gym. So, since I work out daily (or almost daily), I eat everyday.
I need to start making some critical decisions; some everyday decisions that I must keep to. Can I live a structured life? Maybe not.
But back to my opening comment, I find it pleasantly interesting that my roommates and friends notice me "silent" and wonder if I had a bad day. It can only mean that they expect me to be "happy" and "friendly" every time.
It is stupid to try to "build" your day around people, or the weather, or random things like that. Nothing is certain; nothing...nothing; except the love and steadfastness of God.
Today has been extremely productive; cell group, Calc, novel...and even my writing and Bible time (since 1am is technically part of today)...Today, I noticed that variety is the spice of life; switching things up is an excellent way to keep from getting sleepy when you have stuff to do (especially if you offered sleep a miserly 5 hrs of your time...really 5 hours should be enough!!).
I need to start making some critical decisions; some everyday decisions that I must keep to. Can I live a structured life? Maybe not.
But back to my opening comment, I find it pleasantly interesting that my roommates and friends notice me "silent" and wonder if I had a bad day. It can only mean that they expect me to be "happy" and "friendly" every time.
It is stupid to try to "build" your day around people, or the weather, or random things like that. Nothing is certain; nothing...nothing; except the love and steadfastness of God.
Today has been extremely productive; cell group, Calc, novel...and even my writing and Bible time (since 1am is technically part of today)...Today, I noticed that variety is the spice of life; switching things up is an excellent way to keep from getting sleepy when you have stuff to do (especially if you offered sleep a miserly 5 hrs of your time...really 5 hours should be enough!!).
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Day 26
Music plays softly..."Oh Christmas Tree" from a "Charlie Brown Christmas". Wow!! I haven't heard this in ages!! Since...since..I was a little child!! This carton had a profound effect on me; I cannot explain this emotion...this slowing of my heartbeat...ahh..nostalgia...that's it. I don't even know why i remembered this song. A few weeks ago, I had a song from the 'Princess and the Goblin" stuck in my head; every Sunday, a praise song reminded me of it. Initially, I thought it was something from the cartoon version (the original) of the "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" (but my sister reminded me that all the music from that was the screeching from the Witch's carriage..LL..good times that!!!). Yeah..."The Land Before Time", "Sound of Music", "The Donut Repair Club", "Buffy and the Vampire Slayer", "Angel", "Big Wolf on Campus", "Channel 5", "Swat Cats", "Top Cat", "Tom and Jerry", "The Flintstones", "Jetsons"...
I remember my Bvlgari watch (I gave it out at a Christian thing...my mom wasn't very pleased..an understandable emotion seeing that she bought it herself, and it was..is...an AMAZING watch..); I remember my white shirt with the "diamond-like" studs as buttons; I remember my multi-colored dress shirt (amazing shirt!!); I remember my AMAZING belt!!!I remember my red sport shoes (krazy shoes)...I remember......I don't regret..just remember. God has been good to me; and everything that I have given out has served its purpose in my life. It has been a sacrifice well worth spending; there is nothing like giving up things when they are still HUGELY important to your life. Giving away some of these articles listed up here has been one of the hardest things I have had to do; I wish you could see them...maybe you'd understand. But, I do not regret any of it! And I don't think I ever will, because I am still giving out some of my "nice" stuff..isn't that what life is really about? Maybe one day, I will live in an amazing house, and drive an amazing car with my amazing wife and amazing kids to my amazing job (which I'll probably own since everything is so amazing already)...maybe, I'll give it out...(not the wife and kids tho)...Again I am reminded of the "Ultimate Gift"...that is the ultimate gift...nothing is more fulfilling than making an impact on someone else's life...That is why I am definitely going to start the "Adopt a Child" program thing; my heart has been on that for a LONG time now. Even now, I cannot watch those kids without doing the "unmanly stuff"..u know..maybe I love too much. But when a child sleeps in a cave and eats out of the rubbish and lights up incredibly at the sight of a piece of bread, something is wrong. A child sleeping on the roadside, vulnerable to the whims of a pervert...that is wrong...Maybe I can give it all away...maybe I will make an impact one day. The prophecies seem to agree...time will tell, won't it?
Check out my Facebook for some INCREDIBLE pictures of my INCREDIBLE family (sans Amaka and Dad) wylin out on Chioma's birthday!! They stealin all my shine yo!! I have gat to start takin me some pictures!! Mos def!!
Okay...time to read mon Bible...Ballin
Today was glorious. I listened in as the director of some Royal Institute in Britain gave a talk about the "Sons Of Genius": Benjamin Franklin, Micheal Faraday, and Humphrey Davy. I made it to my Physics class with just six minutes left; at least, I did not miss the entire class...that would be a travesty beyond mention. So, during the seminar, he inspired me to thought with a certain Benjamin Franklin quote; and challenged my sparse knowledge of English (now, I must inform you that this is a Briton we are referring to)...Share in them with me...Oh yeah I wrote a poem too:
Dost thou love life, then do not squander time; for such is life made of-- Benjamin Franklin
Since one invention leads to another, is there such a thing as great genius? Isn't genius in its own capacity great? Is greatness not an intrinsic property of genius? Just as beauty is intrinsic to a beautiful object. Or hotness being intrinsic to flyness (MIMS).
If the answer is yes, then is not greatness and thus genius inherent in us all whether we choose to acknowledge and embrace it or push it away like a baby clawing recalcitrantly (new word) at his mother's freely offered, readily available jocund (I can choose how to use words in my context; bear with me) breasts, exploding with unsucked milk?
If no, then maybe, there is greatness in great genius.
Then, z poem:
Rows and rows and rows...gray, black suited...aah, one dull red, lined with even more colorful black
Light(left) hand under chin; right hand under chin; both hands under chin(s)
Glasses all; but three...nay, four...aah, five, maybe more
Bald palatal cores; recurring V's
Zigzagged necks; ubiquitous eyes circled
One in the row breaks the pattern; with left hand on left leg, crossed over right leg; aaah...a green tie hangs down
A silent witty joke sounds; rehearsed laughter; laughter strained; staccatoed
Another joke; laughter again; sonorous, rotund
The laughter of the old; what old laughter, old habits...the peace of old ways
Each laughter juxtaposed adjacent to the other; one "cruel"; both "refined"; refined cruelty
Laughter again; sonorous, rotund
As the Sons of Genius hang immortally; peaceful in their beauty; confident in majesty
The black and grey suited (hands under chin; glasses all, but four...five, maybe more) silently sit; some silently sleep; seats stooping, sliding, slowly, surely, silently down...
All...all of them...all slowly steal....away...
The sand glass wanes
Old ways die old
I remember my Bvlgari watch (I gave it out at a Christian thing...my mom wasn't very pleased..an understandable emotion seeing that she bought it herself, and it was..is...an AMAZING watch..); I remember my white shirt with the "diamond-like" studs as buttons; I remember my multi-colored dress shirt (amazing shirt!!); I remember my AMAZING belt!!!I remember my red sport shoes (krazy shoes)...I remember......I don't regret..just remember. God has been good to me; and everything that I have given out has served its purpose in my life. It has been a sacrifice well worth spending; there is nothing like giving up things when they are still HUGELY important to your life. Giving away some of these articles listed up here has been one of the hardest things I have had to do; I wish you could see them...maybe you'd understand. But, I do not regret any of it! And I don't think I ever will, because I am still giving out some of my "nice" stuff..isn't that what life is really about? Maybe one day, I will live in an amazing house, and drive an amazing car with my amazing wife and amazing kids to my amazing job (which I'll probably own since everything is so amazing already)...maybe, I'll give it out...(not the wife and kids tho)...Again I am reminded of the "Ultimate Gift"...that is the ultimate gift...nothing is more fulfilling than making an impact on someone else's life...That is why I am definitely going to start the "Adopt a Child" program thing; my heart has been on that for a LONG time now. Even now, I cannot watch those kids without doing the "unmanly stuff"..u know..maybe I love too much. But when a child sleeps in a cave and eats out of the rubbish and lights up incredibly at the sight of a piece of bread, something is wrong. A child sleeping on the roadside, vulnerable to the whims of a pervert...that is wrong...Maybe I can give it all away...maybe I will make an impact one day. The prophecies seem to agree...time will tell, won't it?
Check out my Facebook for some INCREDIBLE pictures of my INCREDIBLE family (sans Amaka and Dad) wylin out on Chioma's birthday!! They stealin all my shine yo!! I have gat to start takin me some pictures!! Mos def!!
Okay...time to read mon Bible...Ballin
Today was glorious. I listened in as the director of some Royal Institute in Britain gave a talk about the "Sons Of Genius": Benjamin Franklin, Micheal Faraday, and Humphrey Davy. I made it to my Physics class with just six minutes left; at least, I did not miss the entire class...that would be a travesty beyond mention. So, during the seminar, he inspired me to thought with a certain Benjamin Franklin quote; and challenged my sparse knowledge of English (now, I must inform you that this is a Briton we are referring to)...Share in them with me...Oh yeah I wrote a poem too:
Dost thou love life, then do not squander time; for such is life made of-- Benjamin Franklin
Since one invention leads to another, is there such a thing as great genius? Isn't genius in its own capacity great? Is greatness not an intrinsic property of genius? Just as beauty is intrinsic to a beautiful object. Or hotness being intrinsic to flyness (MIMS).
If the answer is yes, then is not greatness and thus genius inherent in us all whether we choose to acknowledge and embrace it or push it away like a baby clawing recalcitrantly (new word) at his mother's freely offered, readily available jocund (I can choose how to use words in my context; bear with me) breasts, exploding with unsucked milk?
If no, then maybe, there is greatness in great genius.
Then, z poem:
Rows and rows and rows...gray, black suited...aah, one dull red, lined with even more colorful black
Light(left) hand under chin; right hand under chin; both hands under chin(s)
Glasses all; but three...nay, four...aah, five, maybe more
Bald palatal cores; recurring V's
Zigzagged necks; ubiquitous eyes circled
One in the row breaks the pattern; with left hand on left leg, crossed over right leg; aaah...a green tie hangs down
A silent witty joke sounds; rehearsed laughter; laughter strained; staccatoed
Another joke; laughter again; sonorous, rotund
The laughter of the old; what old laughter, old habits...the peace of old ways
Each laughter juxtaposed adjacent to the other; one "cruel"; both "refined"; refined cruelty
Laughter again; sonorous, rotund
As the Sons of Genius hang immortally; peaceful in their beauty; confident in majesty
The black and grey suited (hands under chin; glasses all, but four...five, maybe more) silently sit; some silently sleep; seats stooping, sliding, slowly, surely, silently down...
All...all of them...all slowly steal....away...
The sand glass wanes
Old ways die old
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Day 25
Ok....quick thought on the whole concentration issue: the very moment you allow your mind to wander over any information not relevant to the subject matter of your study, and you are sitting on a bed, you will probably get sleepy. It does not matter what it is: from a child singing to your grades to even your teachers; you will distract your mind and probably fall asleep, like I almost did. You have been warned!
So, I just read a post on a blog, and it got me thinking. Is the yearning of the heart to be "understood" in symphony with the will of God? Is it an idiosyncratic error in the human nature planted by sin? Why did God create Eve for Adam? Was God's presence not enough? What did Adam know? Was he even aware that he needed a helpmate? In movies like Tarzan, John Clayton aka Tarzan (or is the other way around) is content living with the Mangani; until Jane Porter shows up, he is a happy wild man, oblivious of the discrepancies between his very physical form and that of the apes. I also remember the quote, A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek God to find it (this by the way should motivate women even more than the men; it is just a marker for a man to see if he is after the "right" woman)...now (i use aposiopesis a lot!), I am arguing on a broader ground than just the "man=woman relationship. Is it right to want to be totally understood by a human, as well as by God? Because think about it, we know that God understands us completely (we may not always act that way, but we know..at least we should); so there is more of an urge to ask God to reveal himself. Now, in the case of a person, when we understand a person completely; is it not then analogical to presume that we want to be understood completely also? Is it even possible to understand completely without being completely understood? Completely..that is a strong word...just like telling a woman you love her (deep deep words that are not to be used casually)...is it possible to understand a person who opens up to you without opening up yourself also? Is that not why God calls marriage a cleaving? Are we afraid that there is nobody who can understand us so well that we are willing to be understood partly. Mistakes and misunderstandings must occur; doesn't the trying of our faith help refine us into fine gold? I ask of wisdom, and understanding from God; if my life will become any less of a doxology in my search for "complete" understanding from man, then I ask that the desire be taken away; not just from me, but from the heart of all humanity.
The beauty of a mother's love...So sublime...surreal even...just considering how much care a mother puts into the polishing of her children raises a feeling I cannot explain (as we say in my native tongue, O na-eme m obi uto). Why is there a stronger connection between mothers and children? Where are the fathers? What is paternal? Somehow, I do not necessarily think that a mother SHOULD be closer to her kids than the father; in certain cases (cases not even too spread out); I see men who bond with their kids in an astonishingly intimate fashion. But, anyways, enough of this; I'm hitting up the gym; then tutoring till 10 15.
Random conversation I'm having with one of my "deep" friends, Obilo Nwokogba, musician, creator of Doo Doo Rain at www.obilo.com...check it out (Pls, listen to it more than once; it'll make a lot of sense after the third time, so yeah check it out):
totelian (10:45:25 PM): Stan
Onyewusi (10:45:37 PM): doo doo rain
totelian (10:45:48 PM): Man thanks for the publicity man
Onyewusi (10:46:06 PM): im bobbin my head right now man!!! and d song isnt even playin
Onyewusi (10:46:10 PM): i think itz d beats
totelian (10:46:15 PM): haha
Onyewusi (10:46:28 PM): n d fact tht it sounds so stupid at first, u knw? like a fela song; but l8r, u start askn urself, wht is doo doo rain; and even if u dnt want to know, d beats r tight so u just bob ur head to it and say doo doo rain...itz a concept idea, i mst confess. u did good..infact il listen to it right now..my roomie heard it once n he doesnt like it...so il play it again..mayb he'l like it after d 4th time
totelian (10:49:41 PM): haha; thanks stantotelian..I'm glad you like the song
Onyewusi (10:52:14 PM): do u know exactly wht doo doo rain is? if u say no...tht wudnt b d wrong answer
totelian (10:52:42 PM): lol; I actually don't. But I know there's a meaning; but I'm not sure what it is.
Onyewusi (10:53:01 PM): hmm
totelian (10:53:09 PM): cause remember what I told you about...the imaginary 'cd rack' moving above all our heads. and you can just 'pick' a cd
Onyewusi (10:53:28 PM): obilo!!!!!!!bad boi
totelian (10:53:32 PM): lol
Onyewusi (10:53:32 PM): concept man
totelian (10:53:35 PM): seriously. that's how I feel about it
Onyewusi (10:53:42 PM): i used tht in my blog actually
totelian (10:53:47 PM): i just picked that idea. for real. how far with them novels?
Onyewusi (10:57:00 PM): theyr comin..i am building more on the one u read, about d club scene thing
totelian (10:57:11 PM): for real? lol
Onyewusi (10:57:12 PM): yea..LL
totelian (10:57:18 PM): Good shit
Onyewusi (10:57:20 PM): i feel i can relate more with that one
totelian (10:57:27 PM): I swear authors are powerful.cause people give you their MIND
Onyewusi (10:58:51 PM): hmm
totelian (10:58:58 PM): It's true.
Onyewusi (10:59:09 PM): same thing wit music...it jst depends on wht type; like kanye said, his music is philosophical..it makes u wonder..jeezy makes u motivated. so music does the same thing. do u know music can affect the mood of a man? as adim said, he remembers things he was doin by the music tht was playin then
totelian (11:00:18 PM): Yeah. it's true too. For writing, you also don't get people to argue back.
Onyewusi (11:01:45 PM): hmm
totelian (11:01:46 PM): a lot of times, in life people never let you get to the REAL core of your argument; they always stop you, voice opinions...
Onyewusi (11:02:03 PM): hmm
totelian (11:02:06 PM): but with a book, you just lay it out.
Onyewusi (11:02:08 PM): hmm
totelian (11:02:23 PM): and it's good...cause many people who have the real jewel ideas do not care to argue and might even be convinced my more argument-experienced fools that he's wrong
totelian (11:03:11 PM): but it's kinda important to know that just cause you cannot defend a point/win an argument does not mean it's wrong. nothing at all.
Onyewusi (11:03:43 PM): d qstn is...is there any such thing as a real argument? those r really rare...how many pple think of an idea enuf to call it a "real" idea...a lot of times, itz all polemics my friend...argument for the sake of intellectual and philsophical growth and not for the "core" of the matter as u call it
totelian (11:05:13 PM): haha. Good point, but I guess idea was the wrong word to use. let's say instead, something that can be argued right or wrong or so
Onyewusi (11:07:42 PM): hmm
Onyewusi (11:07:54 PM): explain urself
totelian (11:21:14 PM): Basically, I'm saying that if you cannot win an argument, that does not mean you should doubt your stance...like...if someone can list more disadvantages of something than you can list advantages, does not mean that thing is not advantageous overall. that is - the outcome of an argument or debate has nothing to do with what is right or wrong really, for things that can be said to be right or wrong..
Onyewusi (11:23:43 PM): hmm...
Onyewusi (11:23:47 PM): let me look ova that one
totelian (11:23:58 PM): lol. ok. i think i didn't do a good job of simplifying Onyewusi (11:26:23 PM): well, u can argue tht everything is advantageous...but keepin an open mind is imperative bcos there is a "wrong" and "right" to evrything, so by or through argument, an "honest" person with an "honest" heart'l know when something is right or wrong and make a choice to stand his ground knowin hez wrong or renew his mind...but this again borders (no, revolves) around spirituality in my opinion
totelian (11:26:56 PM): i think so too
totelian (11:26:58 PM): that's true
totelian (11:27:00 PM): DEEP STAN!
totelian (11:27:03 PM): Damn nigga
Onyewusi (11:27:06 PM): LLL
Onyewusi (11:27:12 PM): LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Onyewusi (11:27:17 PM): obilo!!!!
Onyewusi (11:27:23 PM): bad boi
totelian (11:27:29 PM): haha
Onyewusi (11:27:28 PM): bad boi
So yeah, that was my spilgz wit a "deep" friend;
Warranty: The opinions, comments and words used under "totelian" r the thoughts and opinions of "totelian"; and do not in any way express my own thoughts or opinions about things...as u can guess, i am "Onyewusi"
So, I just read a post on a blog, and it got me thinking. Is the yearning of the heart to be "understood" in symphony with the will of God? Is it an idiosyncratic error in the human nature planted by sin? Why did God create Eve for Adam? Was God's presence not enough? What did Adam know? Was he even aware that he needed a helpmate? In movies like Tarzan, John Clayton aka Tarzan (or is the other way around) is content living with the Mangani; until Jane Porter shows up, he is a happy wild man, oblivious of the discrepancies between his very physical form and that of the apes. I also remember the quote, A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek God to find it (this by the way should motivate women even more than the men; it is just a marker for a man to see if he is after the "right" woman)...now (i use aposiopesis a lot!), I am arguing on a broader ground than just the "man=woman relationship. Is it right to want to be totally understood by a human, as well as by God? Because think about it, we know that God understands us completely (we may not always act that way, but we know..at least we should); so there is more of an urge to ask God to reveal himself. Now, in the case of a person, when we understand a person completely; is it not then analogical to presume that we want to be understood completely also? Is it even possible to understand completely without being completely understood? Completely..that is a strong word...just like telling a woman you love her (deep deep words that are not to be used casually)...is it possible to understand a person who opens up to you without opening up yourself also? Is that not why God calls marriage a cleaving? Are we afraid that there is nobody who can understand us so well that we are willing to be understood partly. Mistakes and misunderstandings must occur; doesn't the trying of our faith help refine us into fine gold? I ask of wisdom, and understanding from God; if my life will become any less of a doxology in my search for "complete" understanding from man, then I ask that the desire be taken away; not just from me, but from the heart of all humanity.
The beauty of a mother's love...So sublime...surreal even...just considering how much care a mother puts into the polishing of her children raises a feeling I cannot explain (as we say in my native tongue, O na-eme m obi uto). Why is there a stronger connection between mothers and children? Where are the fathers? What is paternal? Somehow, I do not necessarily think that a mother SHOULD be closer to her kids than the father; in certain cases (cases not even too spread out); I see men who bond with their kids in an astonishingly intimate fashion. But, anyways, enough of this; I'm hitting up the gym; then tutoring till 10 15.
Random conversation I'm having with one of my "deep" friends, Obilo Nwokogba, musician, creator of Doo Doo Rain at www.obilo.com...check it out (Pls, listen to it more than once; it'll make a lot of sense after the third time, so yeah check it out):
totelian (10:45:25 PM): Stan
Onyewusi (10:45:37 PM): doo doo rain
totelian (10:45:48 PM): Man thanks for the publicity man
Onyewusi (10:46:06 PM): im bobbin my head right now man!!! and d song isnt even playin
Onyewusi (10:46:10 PM): i think itz d beats
totelian (10:46:15 PM): haha
Onyewusi (10:46:28 PM): n d fact tht it sounds so stupid at first, u knw? like a fela song; but l8r, u start askn urself, wht is doo doo rain; and even if u dnt want to know, d beats r tight so u just bob ur head to it and say doo doo rain...itz a concept idea, i mst confess. u did good..infact il listen to it right now..my roomie heard it once n he doesnt like it...so il play it again..mayb he'l like it after d 4th time
totelian (10:49:41 PM): haha; thanks stantotelian..I'm glad you like the song
Onyewusi (10:52:14 PM): do u know exactly wht doo doo rain is? if u say no...tht wudnt b d wrong answer
totelian (10:52:42 PM): lol; I actually don't. But I know there's a meaning; but I'm not sure what it is.
Onyewusi (10:53:01 PM): hmm
totelian (10:53:09 PM): cause remember what I told you about...the imaginary 'cd rack' moving above all our heads. and you can just 'pick' a cd
Onyewusi (10:53:28 PM): obilo!!!!!!!bad boi
totelian (10:53:32 PM): lol
Onyewusi (10:53:32 PM): concept man
totelian (10:53:35 PM): seriously. that's how I feel about it
Onyewusi (10:53:42 PM): i used tht in my blog actually
totelian (10:53:47 PM): i just picked that idea. for real. how far with them novels?
Onyewusi (10:57:00 PM): theyr comin..i am building more on the one u read, about d club scene thing
totelian (10:57:11 PM): for real? lol
Onyewusi (10:57:12 PM): yea..LL
totelian (10:57:18 PM): Good shit
Onyewusi (10:57:20 PM): i feel i can relate more with that one
totelian (10:57:27 PM): I swear authors are powerful.cause people give you their MIND
Onyewusi (10:58:51 PM): hmm
totelian (10:58:58 PM): It's true.
Onyewusi (10:59:09 PM): same thing wit music...it jst depends on wht type; like kanye said, his music is philosophical..it makes u wonder..jeezy makes u motivated. so music does the same thing. do u know music can affect the mood of a man? as adim said, he remembers things he was doin by the music tht was playin then
totelian (11:00:18 PM): Yeah. it's true too. For writing, you also don't get people to argue back.
Onyewusi (11:01:45 PM): hmm
totelian (11:01:46 PM): a lot of times, in life people never let you get to the REAL core of your argument; they always stop you, voice opinions...
Onyewusi (11:02:03 PM): hmm
totelian (11:02:06 PM): but with a book, you just lay it out.
Onyewusi (11:02:08 PM): hmm
totelian (11:02:23 PM): and it's good...cause many people who have the real jewel ideas do not care to argue and might even be convinced my more argument-experienced fools that he's wrong
totelian (11:03:11 PM): but it's kinda important to know that just cause you cannot defend a point/win an argument does not mean it's wrong. nothing at all.
Onyewusi (11:03:43 PM): d qstn is...is there any such thing as a real argument? those r really rare...how many pple think of an idea enuf to call it a "real" idea...a lot of times, itz all polemics my friend...argument for the sake of intellectual and philsophical growth and not for the "core" of the matter as u call it
totelian (11:05:13 PM): haha. Good point, but I guess idea was the wrong word to use. let's say instead, something that can be argued right or wrong or so
Onyewusi (11:07:42 PM): hmm
Onyewusi (11:07:54 PM): explain urself
totelian (11:21:14 PM): Basically, I'm saying that if you cannot win an argument, that does not mean you should doubt your stance...like...if someone can list more disadvantages of something than you can list advantages, does not mean that thing is not advantageous overall. that is - the outcome of an argument or debate has nothing to do with what is right or wrong really, for things that can be said to be right or wrong..
Onyewusi (11:23:43 PM): hmm...
Onyewusi (11:23:47 PM): let me look ova that one
totelian (11:23:58 PM): lol. ok. i think i didn't do a good job of simplifying Onyewusi (11:26:23 PM): well, u can argue tht everything is advantageous...but keepin an open mind is imperative bcos there is a "wrong" and "right" to evrything, so by or through argument, an "honest" person with an "honest" heart'l know when something is right or wrong and make a choice to stand his ground knowin hez wrong or renew his mind...but this again borders (no, revolves) around spirituality in my opinion
totelian (11:26:56 PM): i think so too
totelian (11:26:58 PM): that's true
totelian (11:27:00 PM): DEEP STAN!
totelian (11:27:03 PM): Damn nigga
Onyewusi (11:27:06 PM): LLL
Onyewusi (11:27:12 PM): LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Onyewusi (11:27:17 PM): obilo!!!!
Onyewusi (11:27:23 PM): bad boi
totelian (11:27:29 PM): haha
Onyewusi (11:27:28 PM): bad boi
So yeah, that was my spilgz wit a "deep" friend;
Warranty: The opinions, comments and words used under "totelian" r the thoughts and opinions of "totelian"; and do not in any way express my own thoughts or opinions about things...as u can guess, i am "Onyewusi"
Monday, October 15, 2007
Day 24...for an English afficionado, i make a lot of mistakes...but i type so fast, and i dnt really care for goin thru my work, and i hv my language
I am so drained...I cannot concentrate on work at all...It's frustrating me; I feel like I'm out of my body...not floating; just out of my body...my limbs seem foreign; and my head hurts a bit..maybe the lack of sleep is setting in. Guys, sleep is good for you!! God, give me wisdom on that. So, about 7:55 pm yesterday, I was at 57 during worship, and a series of random stuff came ot me so I wrote it down; dnt ask me what it means okay cos i dnt know!!! Maybe itz also a result of my lack of sleep!! Before that, I tattooed my arm with these inscriptions:
What is faith? Should you understand it?
What is persistence?
Ogisi's dreams
Your love is extravagant
Jesus says, "Wait"; when we feel we are ready for battle (see the first chapter of Acts)
I asked God: for every second of our lives that we give to you, what do we get in return? He said your entire life.
Now, the "random" stuff:
What does it mean to be brought out of the darkness and into the light? What does it mean to know You? What does it mean to touch You Lord? What is music; how does it ring? What does it mean to be a music soulchild? What is the soul? Who is a child? What is love? What is peace? How is love? What is truth? Where is love? Why is laughter? Why devotion? Whose is strength? Where is power? Beauty lies therein...Why do the eyes look? Why does the heart seek? What does it find? Who is God? Why is God? Who am I? Why am I? What am I? What is shame? The drums sound...deep...deep...deep...fragile fingers...collective madness...undeserved beauty...forced emotion...tears...water...tears...fear...tear...tears...
devotion...mountains...rivers...valleys...hills...salt...deep...wide...
care...drawing...wild...heart...slow...soft...sober...love...unrepentant...
madness...stars...shiny...food...fire...earth...wind...prophecy...prophesy...
ignite...fire...heart...beat...hard...silence still...unison...might...faith...trepidation...
fly...high...mortal...death...pain...uncertainty...confusion...emotions...search
The Spirit of God snatches you out of the moving car; into the window open...light waves vibrate...faith...undulated love...beauty...innocence...power...ninja...desert...
Your will, not mine...Your will...not mine...lamp post...lamp post...two sides...
one coin...fullness...completeness...shadows...no place for jealousy...and the light emerges...suddenly it comes...peace...a tattooed arm; an unloved face...peace, perfect peace...and all was still
I am unimaginably tired...should not have played basketball today. Oh well; and I need to take a shower, finish my project, and then sleep...8 am class tomorrow...I feel like dead weight...And I must read my Bible and pray; so I have to set my priorities; read my Bible, finish my project, then something else can follow...My word, I am tired; and I need a cold drink of water...Wow, it really is not easy being alive...God please help me start something off on my own; I cannot imagine working for someone...I really cannot...I can; but I would rather not
I just looked at my Ecko bag. and I wonder why and how Ecko became so huge. Almost as if to reestablish my thought, my T-shirt is also an Ecko. Marc Ecko is 35 years; he started off his buisness at the age of about 20. I have some brilliant shirt ideas; I have a thing with patterns; I love clothes: shoes, shirts, jeans, suits, rings, earrings, bracelets, everything. (Bcos I've been typing into the computer for so long, I'm used to having my spelling auto-corrected (sad that, but it's mostly stupid stuff anyways); my mind flickered for a bit when I wrote down bracelets...for a second, I thought I had spelt(ok, so last time I checked, spelt was word) it wrong). Does that reiterate "my" spilgz about the brain as a "remembeering" box?) Am I an engineering major? A kid just said something funny: A professor showed us a pie chart of our grades, and the kid said, "Can I eat that pie?" I laughed. This one kid just walked in; and I could see him as a model; he is almost expressionless, but he has a nice smile and face structure. Yes, I am a freaky person; I analyze a lot.
Why is noise so irritating? Can noise be utilized as a form of energy? That would be unimaginably sweet. What is silent noise? When all is "silent", is it really silent?. Do the tables speak; or do the hinges of the door make "silent" creaks as the air blows over them? Is the air really silent; we know that the harder the breeze, the louder the sound becomes. So, the fact that we cannot hear anything does not mean that it is not "speaking". How about when we stumble, and look down and there is "nothing"; does the fact that we cannot see it necessarily mean "nothing" is there. Boom...what silence...the "invisible" sniper pulls the "non-existent" trigger on the gun that he is not holding in a hand that he does not have; and an "imaginary" bullet busts through your "real" head; you're dead. "What you do not know cannot hurt you" is thus disproved.
Hmm...we have a formula for finding the amount of drugs that remain after being administered to the body: 100*(0.5)^2 where n is the number of hours; and the limit of the function as n approaches infinity approaches zero. But since it never really gets to zero, once you use a drug it will always be a part of you.
Mathematically, the word "infinite" is used so much; but what does it really mean? How can it be proved that anything is "infinite"? Funny that my Professor does not know what I'm doing right now; or maybe she does, maybe she does. Maybe she knows I can only hear her voice, and I'm not really listening. What if her voice is the pin busting my idea bubble? I will have to think of a way to make Clarkson and Potsdam more fun for me; I have to change my environment. Why? Bcos I'm Stan. I like the kid who made that joke; at first I found him annoying...but he is random and funny; so, I laughed at his joke and I like him. He just did that "Pop" sound thing with his mouth...interesting...I laughed.
What makes this different from other journals? Nothing? Maybe...maybe not...what makes certain shades of lavender different from certain shades of pink? If anyone had not told me there was a difference I would have called it a dark pink. I like colors; but they confuse me. I like the way this one girl(who is one of my classes)'s eyes is the same color as her hair; a kind of deep "horsey" brown...funny that she also loves horses. The "Ultimate Gift" still feels exceptional to me; even though I have not watched it again. God help me produce such brilliance. I just thought about "krazy"; and I saw "it" beside me; wud it have liked the Calc class? Or wud it analyze things with me? Does it even like "analyzing"? I think so. My heart yearns for freedom; I'll do school but it really is not for me. It has never been; and maybe, it will never be. Maybe I need to think up a format or structure for a new kind of school, for people like me, like Xavier did in X-Men. Maybe, as La Bebe suggested, I'll be CEO of WOW Corporations, and create my WOW school. This one kid, a freshman Honors and a Math major, is a cocky kid; or maybe just brilliant; pr both, but not neither, he is at least one. So far, I don't like him; he reminds of Tumnus from LW&W.
All colors are beautiful; so hair really is beautiful. Beauty is not even a valid word, a bona fide word...it does not even stand the test of time. Then, maybe there are no true words. Years ago, tall and muscular meant barbaric; now, it means the NBA and the fame that comes with it(acknowledgment Josh Perry).
I think tall girls are hot; tall, slim girls even more so. I wonder should I replace hot with attractive; I am not thinking anything risque, it's just pure reflection. Society and its rules are a fickle thing.
Lord I can sing of Your love forever
No Comp. Sci. majors in a Calc class! Interesting. I am about to look at my phone for the time (since I messed up one of my watches, and the other's being interesting); but I change my mind. What is time? maybe, time really is in the head. Think about it; if you wake up, and all the clocks in your town are an hour slow; the time for you is "unconsciously" an hour slow. If after a week it is changed back, clandestinely (I don't like that word) by "Santa"; you do not even realize it because you look at your watch and you believe what it tells you all the time. So, therefore, what is time? I'm almost tired of thinking because I'm tired of writing. But, I cannot stop thinking; does that mean I cannot stop writing? I have an OCD (sometimes), I think to control things that my mind tells me I cannot control; just like dropping this pen, even though my mind expects me not to.
God has widened my vision and His promises to appear to me at 3am to every single second, and even less. Lance just gave me a thought and new hope: I can be an engineer and an artistic bum(LL). 40 minutes gone. I made a 98 in my Calc test. Class close.
Sitting here in a Creative Writing class, I wish "krazy" were here. I feel some artistic vibe from "it" that is not being utilized at all, or very little. But what do I know? The truth is I know nothing. How can you know what you do not know? God show me more; make me Your prophet. Make me Your Voice. I'll do school, but it is not for me...hot...attractive...I really have a "pure" mind; sure I get stray thoughts now and then, but I thank God that after all, after it all, my heart is pure still.
A woman talked about poetry being about the conscious and unconsciousness mind. She says it needs patience to use; what is the unconscious mind? What do you mean poetry chooses people? A man says "writing out of the right place"; what is the right place? Poets should tell the "truth", someone says; but poetry is told from a perspective isn't it? Poetry is an possession? It posses us bcos the language is older than we are. We are a victim of poetry?
Alice Walker says she started poetry when she was really young; she says she was saving her life. It took her a while to understand how poetry was made, she says...
There is a place the choice must go.
There is a place the loss must go.
The leftover love.
The love that spills out
Of the too full cup
And runs and hides
Its too full self
In shame.
I gradually comprehend
How poems are made.
To the upbeat flight of memories.
The flagged beats of the running
Heart.
I understand how poems are made.
They are the tears
That season the smile.
The stiff-neck laughter
That crowds the throat.
The leftover love.
I know how poems are made.
There is a place the loss must go.
There is a place the gain must go.
The leftover love.
Octavio Paz calls it a way of life; it teaches how to dress; how to smile; how to cry
Philip Lavine says style depends on how a person feels at a point in time. The "Theory of Prosody" was written as a tribute to a cat, Nelly, who influenced the length of his poetry. When she died, he pretended she "faked attention, and he faked obedience". He does not know what his poetry is about; he says none of us do.
I need to find out what a saxophone sounds like. Do I like the old artistic world more than this one? Would I have been more successful? Does it really matter; I'm already born. Sometimes people write words without knowing the meaning, and later find that the usage makes sense; I do that sometimes.
Gary Synder says his poetry does not originate from ideas, but pictures: feelings, images, rhythmn
Sometimes some shades of yellow are not a good color for a shirt. Does it mean that I am wrong; aren't all colors beautiful? Sometimes...to me...sometimes.
Victor Cruz Hernandez says he thinks about purpose comes before images and ideas; that nurture feeds the poetic content. Do you choose what orientation your poetry takes. If it choose you, and you disapprove, what then?
I almost feel like I am the only strange one (I'm twirling my pencil around my fingers); I thot artsys wr all strange; I'm probably wrong; either in one case or in the other. I'm really hungry; I've had no food all day.
Another woman remembers the dreams she had at 5. How can you do that? I don't even remember if I remember I had dreams at that age. Does that mean I cannot remember any of my dreams at that age?
I've got to leave. I need food!
What is faith? Should you understand it?
What is persistence?
Ogisi's dreams
Your love is extravagant
Jesus says, "Wait"; when we feel we are ready for battle (see the first chapter of Acts)
I asked God: for every second of our lives that we give to you, what do we get in return? He said your entire life.
Now, the "random" stuff:
What does it mean to be brought out of the darkness and into the light? What does it mean to know You? What does it mean to touch You Lord? What is music; how does it ring? What does it mean to be a music soulchild? What is the soul? Who is a child? What is love? What is peace? How is love? What is truth? Where is love? Why is laughter? Why devotion? Whose is strength? Where is power? Beauty lies therein...Why do the eyes look? Why does the heart seek? What does it find? Who is God? Why is God? Who am I? Why am I? What am I? What is shame? The drums sound...deep...deep...deep...fragile fingers...collective madness...undeserved beauty...forced emotion...tears...water...tears...fear...tear...tears...
devotion...mountains...rivers...valleys...hills...salt...deep...wide...
care...drawing...wild...heart...slow...soft...sober...love...unrepentant...
madness...stars...shiny...food...fire...earth...wind...prophecy...prophesy...
ignite...fire...heart...beat...hard...silence still...unison...might...faith...trepidation...
fly...high...mortal...death...pain...uncertainty...confusion...emotions...search
The Spirit of God snatches you out of the moving car; into the window open...light waves vibrate...faith...undulated love...beauty...innocence...power...ninja...desert...
Your will, not mine...Your will...not mine...lamp post...lamp post...two sides...
one coin...fullness...completeness...shadows...no place for jealousy...and the light emerges...suddenly it comes...peace...a tattooed arm; an unloved face...peace, perfect peace...and all was still
I am unimaginably tired...should not have played basketball today. Oh well; and I need to take a shower, finish my project, and then sleep...8 am class tomorrow...I feel like dead weight...And I must read my Bible and pray; so I have to set my priorities; read my Bible, finish my project, then something else can follow...My word, I am tired; and I need a cold drink of water...Wow, it really is not easy being alive...God please help me start something off on my own; I cannot imagine working for someone...I really cannot...I can; but I would rather not
I just looked at my Ecko bag. and I wonder why and how Ecko became so huge. Almost as if to reestablish my thought, my T-shirt is also an Ecko. Marc Ecko is 35 years; he started off his buisness at the age of about 20. I have some brilliant shirt ideas; I have a thing with patterns; I love clothes: shoes, shirts, jeans, suits, rings, earrings, bracelets, everything. (Bcos I've been typing into the computer for so long, I'm used to having my spelling auto-corrected (sad that, but it's mostly stupid stuff anyways); my mind flickered for a bit when I wrote down bracelets...for a second, I thought I had spelt(ok, so last time I checked, spelt was word) it wrong). Does that reiterate "my" spilgz about the brain as a "remembeering" box?) Am I an engineering major? A kid just said something funny: A professor showed us a pie chart of our grades, and the kid said, "Can I eat that pie?" I laughed. This one kid just walked in; and I could see him as a model; he is almost expressionless, but he has a nice smile and face structure. Yes, I am a freaky person; I analyze a lot.
Why is noise so irritating? Can noise be utilized as a form of energy? That would be unimaginably sweet. What is silent noise? When all is "silent", is it really silent?. Do the tables speak; or do the hinges of the door make "silent" creaks as the air blows over them? Is the air really silent; we know that the harder the breeze, the louder the sound becomes. So, the fact that we cannot hear anything does not mean that it is not "speaking". How about when we stumble, and look down and there is "nothing"; does the fact that we cannot see it necessarily mean "nothing" is there. Boom...what silence...the "invisible" sniper pulls the "non-existent" trigger on the gun that he is not holding in a hand that he does not have; and an "imaginary" bullet busts through your "real" head; you're dead. "What you do not know cannot hurt you" is thus disproved.
Hmm...we have a formula for finding the amount of drugs that remain after being administered to the body: 100*(0.5)^2 where n is the number of hours; and the limit of the function as n approaches infinity approaches zero. But since it never really gets to zero, once you use a drug it will always be a part of you.
Mathematically, the word "infinite" is used so much; but what does it really mean? How can it be proved that anything is "infinite"? Funny that my Professor does not know what I'm doing right now; or maybe she does, maybe she does. Maybe she knows I can only hear her voice, and I'm not really listening. What if her voice is the pin busting my idea bubble? I will have to think of a way to make Clarkson and Potsdam more fun for me; I have to change my environment. Why? Bcos I'm Stan. I like the kid who made that joke; at first I found him annoying...but he is random and funny; so, I laughed at his joke and I like him. He just did that "Pop" sound thing with his mouth...interesting...I laughed.
What makes this different from other journals? Nothing? Maybe...maybe not...what makes certain shades of lavender different from certain shades of pink? If anyone had not told me there was a difference I would have called it a dark pink. I like colors; but they confuse me. I like the way this one girl(who is one of my classes)'s eyes is the same color as her hair; a kind of deep "horsey" brown...funny that she also loves horses. The "Ultimate Gift" still feels exceptional to me; even though I have not watched it again. God help me produce such brilliance. I just thought about "krazy"; and I saw "it" beside me; wud it have liked the Calc class? Or wud it analyze things with me? Does it even like "analyzing"? I think so. My heart yearns for freedom; I'll do school but it really is not for me. It has never been; and maybe, it will never be. Maybe I need to think up a format or structure for a new kind of school, for people like me, like Xavier did in X-Men. Maybe, as La Bebe suggested, I'll be CEO of WOW Corporations, and create my WOW school. This one kid, a freshman Honors and a Math major, is a cocky kid; or maybe just brilliant; pr both, but not neither, he is at least one. So far, I don't like him; he reminds of Tumnus from LW&W.
All colors are beautiful; so hair really is beautiful. Beauty is not even a valid word, a bona fide word...it does not even stand the test of time. Then, maybe there are no true words. Years ago, tall and muscular meant barbaric; now, it means the NBA and the fame that comes with it(acknowledgment Josh Perry).
I think tall girls are hot; tall, slim girls even more so. I wonder should I replace hot with attractive; I am not thinking anything risque, it's just pure reflection. Society and its rules are a fickle thing.
Lord I can sing of Your love forever
No Comp. Sci. majors in a Calc class! Interesting. I am about to look at my phone for the time (since I messed up one of my watches, and the other's being interesting); but I change my mind. What is time? maybe, time really is in the head. Think about it; if you wake up, and all the clocks in your town are an hour slow; the time for you is "unconsciously" an hour slow. If after a week it is changed back, clandestinely (I don't like that word) by "Santa"; you do not even realize it because you look at your watch and you believe what it tells you all the time. So, therefore, what is time? I'm almost tired of thinking because I'm tired of writing. But, I cannot stop thinking; does that mean I cannot stop writing? I have an OCD (sometimes), I think to control things that my mind tells me I cannot control; just like dropping this pen, even though my mind expects me not to.
God has widened my vision and His promises to appear to me at 3am to every single second, and even less. Lance just gave me a thought and new hope: I can be an engineer and an artistic bum(LL). 40 minutes gone. I made a 98 in my Calc test. Class close.
Sitting here in a Creative Writing class, I wish "krazy" were here. I feel some artistic vibe from "it" that is not being utilized at all, or very little. But what do I know? The truth is I know nothing. How can you know what you do not know? God show me more; make me Your prophet. Make me Your Voice. I'll do school, but it is not for me...hot...attractive...I really have a "pure" mind; sure I get stray thoughts now and then, but I thank God that after all, after it all, my heart is pure still.
A woman talked about poetry being about the conscious and unconsciousness mind. She says it needs patience to use; what is the unconscious mind? What do you mean poetry chooses people? A man says "writing out of the right place"; what is the right place? Poets should tell the "truth", someone says; but poetry is told from a perspective isn't it? Poetry is an possession? It posses us bcos the language is older than we are. We are a victim of poetry?
Alice Walker says she started poetry when she was really young; she says she was saving her life. It took her a while to understand how poetry was made, she says...
There is a place the choice must go.
There is a place the loss must go.
The leftover love.
The love that spills out
Of the too full cup
And runs and hides
Its too full self
In shame.
I gradually comprehend
How poems are made.
To the upbeat flight of memories.
The flagged beats of the running
Heart.
I understand how poems are made.
They are the tears
That season the smile.
The stiff-neck laughter
That crowds the throat.
The leftover love.
I know how poems are made.
There is a place the loss must go.
There is a place the gain must go.
The leftover love.
Octavio Paz calls it a way of life; it teaches how to dress; how to smile; how to cry
Philip Lavine says style depends on how a person feels at a point in time. The "Theory of Prosody" was written as a tribute to a cat, Nelly, who influenced the length of his poetry. When she died, he pretended she "faked attention, and he faked obedience". He does not know what his poetry is about; he says none of us do.
I need to find out what a saxophone sounds like. Do I like the old artistic world more than this one? Would I have been more successful? Does it really matter; I'm already born. Sometimes people write words without knowing the meaning, and later find that the usage makes sense; I do that sometimes.
Gary Synder says his poetry does not originate from ideas, but pictures: feelings, images, rhythmn
Sometimes some shades of yellow are not a good color for a shirt. Does it mean that I am wrong; aren't all colors beautiful? Sometimes...to me...sometimes.
Victor Cruz Hernandez says he thinks about purpose comes before images and ideas; that nurture feeds the poetic content. Do you choose what orientation your poetry takes. If it choose you, and you disapprove, what then?
I almost feel like I am the only strange one (I'm twirling my pencil around my fingers); I thot artsys wr all strange; I'm probably wrong; either in one case or in the other. I'm really hungry; I've had no food all day.
Another woman remembers the dreams she had at 5. How can you do that? I don't even remember if I remember I had dreams at that age. Does that mean I cannot remember any of my dreams at that age?
I've got to leave. I need food!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Day 23
I got up somewhat early today; well, not early, just about the right time for a weekend. Sitting here, I know what the first thing I must do is (after I looked at a blog to see if it had anything new on it); I reach into my bag and pull out my Bible. I had a lot of fun in the late hours of last night, and the early hours of today; I chilled with La Bebe, Josh, Jedidiah, and Ben (brownies+ Lord of the Rings amidst some "deep" and meaningful Christian conversation). My eldest sister also called me; and she did not seem too mad that I had not called her on her birthday (I tried her twice but she did not pick up; med school is really a lot of work).
So, back to today; I looked at Mark 4:32, But when it is sown, it groweth up and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out many great branches; so that all the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it." Something occurred to me here; the primary purpose of a tree is to bear fruit; but its secondary purposes are also incredibly essential. Christians are the same way; we grow and bear fruit accordingly as He has given us (for His glory), and at the same time, we simultaneously become a source of shelter and life for others (no matter how unimportant they may seem).
When Jesus calmed the sea; and turned on his disciples saying "Why are you so fearful?", I thought about what a hard hitter Jesus was sometimes; just like when he said something about the parables, and their lack of understanding. These men were ordinary everyday men who were shown things beyond their imaginations. I think we must give the disciples credit for the work, and faith they showed throughout the period Jesus was on earth with them.
I wonder; was Jesus ever fearful for his life at any time during his ministry? I'm reading about the time when the man possessed by Legion ran upon Jesus; and I must wonder: when Jesus saw this man running towards him, what was his first impression? Did he quickly ask God for strength, or was he just prepared to face it? Was he prepared to face everything; or were there situations that needed an extra act of faith from him?
When the demons worshiped Jesus, did they do it out of compulsion, or were they testing his pride? Yes, they knew he was the Son of God; but really, so what? They also knew their fate I'm sure (remember the scripture where the demonized (i like that one) man told Jesus that it was not his time of torment); did they think they could "bribe" Jesus with their praise?
Again, when they were to be cast out, they asked Jesus to allow them to enter into swine!! Pigs! They needed his permission to enter into the pigs; and I wonder, it seems like a pig is in higher standing than a Christian who stands with the devil. That is not a kool thought.
Ha, I found something cute and funny; the innocence of a child...
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6
"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10
"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8
Kissing:
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7
"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6
Beauty:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9
"It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7
How People In Love Act:
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8
"They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9
"See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9
What Mom and Dad Have In Common:
"Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8
How To Tell If Two People Are Married:
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8
Deciding Who To Marry:
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9
The Best Age To Get Married:
"Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6
Good Advice About Love:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8
"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9
What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
"The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7
Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9
Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8
"'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7
So, back to today; I looked at Mark 4:32, But when it is sown, it groweth up and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out many great branches; so that all the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it." Something occurred to me here; the primary purpose of a tree is to bear fruit; but its secondary purposes are also incredibly essential. Christians are the same way; we grow and bear fruit accordingly as He has given us (for His glory), and at the same time, we simultaneously become a source of shelter and life for others (no matter how unimportant they may seem).
When Jesus calmed the sea; and turned on his disciples saying "Why are you so fearful?", I thought about what a hard hitter Jesus was sometimes; just like when he said something about the parables, and their lack of understanding. These men were ordinary everyday men who were shown things beyond their imaginations. I think we must give the disciples credit for the work, and faith they showed throughout the period Jesus was on earth with them.
I wonder; was Jesus ever fearful for his life at any time during his ministry? I'm reading about the time when the man possessed by Legion ran upon Jesus; and I must wonder: when Jesus saw this man running towards him, what was his first impression? Did he quickly ask God for strength, or was he just prepared to face it? Was he prepared to face everything; or were there situations that needed an extra act of faith from him?
When the demons worshiped Jesus, did they do it out of compulsion, or were they testing his pride? Yes, they knew he was the Son of God; but really, so what? They also knew their fate I'm sure (remember the scripture where the demonized (i like that one) man told Jesus that it was not his time of torment); did they think they could "bribe" Jesus with their praise?
Again, when they were to be cast out, they asked Jesus to allow them to enter into swine!! Pigs! They needed his permission to enter into the pigs; and I wonder, it seems like a pig is in higher standing than a Christian who stands with the devil. That is not a kool thought.
Ha, I found something cute and funny; the innocence of a child...
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6
"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10
"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8
Kissing:
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7
"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6
Beauty:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9
"It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7
How People In Love Act:
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8
"They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9
"See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9
What Mom and Dad Have In Common:
"Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8
How To Tell If Two People Are Married:
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8
Deciding Who To Marry:
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9
The Best Age To Get Married:
"Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6
Good Advice About Love:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8
"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9
What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
"The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7
Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9
Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8
"'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Day 22
I overslept again: I got up at 9:11, and missed "leader's" cell group meeting at 57. Thing is I set my alarm for 745; and when I got up, I was sort of refreshed; but I knew that since my alarm hadn't gone off, it couldn't be up to 7 45 (I just wrote the time in three different formats by the way..kool). But, after I lay "up" for like 6 minutes, I started wondering what the time really was, and reaching out for my phone (since I broke the glass of one of my watches!!, and the other just stopped suddenly, and freakishly), I realized that the time, indeed, was 11 minutes after 9!! It is funny how the mind can hold onto things even when they are not true..
Reading my Bible today, (I started Mark a little while ago), I got certain insight and thought from the fourth chapter; like I have heard people say a lot of times that they have given their life to Christ at least four times, or so if feels, they say; but the answer lies in the parable of the sower. The different soil types are not specific and unilateral; instead, they are/ can be different stages of our life. At a point, Satan is in COMPLETE control of our hearts, and so he can snatch God's word away; at another time, we let the excitement of the stirring of the Spirit take over the need for total acquiescence to God; another time, the trials of life try us and we fall (not even stumble); then, finally we understand what the parable means. just like when Jesus asked his disciples, "Know ye not this parable? and how then will you know all parables?. We finally understand what Christianity means.
Also, the mustard seed story made me think; it is so true that a lot of times, when people give their life to Christ, they expect to feel the same excitement to remain two days after they have received Jesus. But the word of God is a seed that must first take root in your life (see Mark 4:17), and then begin to give fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some an hundred.
Then about relationships, I was thinking, in a Godly relationship, how can two friends take it to the next level? I have thought about this for a while; because previously, I did not like the term courting; but now, I think I do. I now believe that there is a stage in a friendly relationship between a guy and a girl where an empasse is reached; you can almost not go past that stage without something being compromised (so, kudos Peter Parker, you were right). I think when the guy, since he is the man, makes a decision to commitment, by letting the girl know he likes her, and she is willing to let him know more about her (because, remember my quotey thing, "A woman's heart should be so close to God, that a man has to seek God to find it?", then a lot can happen. Well, thing is if both of them are being honest in that time of intimacy and getting to know each other, then if it is meant to be that they move on, both of them will know, and it does not have to be a painful parting. Because, if you spend time with someone, and you are TOTALLY willing to listen to God during that season, you will know when you tire of the other person. You will probably have problems at a time, but the thing is, I think you will know if the person is right for you. I once told Peter that I don't think God will spell out the name of the right person for you; I don't think he agrees with me. Thing is, we are both right. You see, you must first take a leap of faith, and step out into the boat, when you feel that someone can become important to you; then, you must use God as your compass and follow Him either to the end of the water with the boat, or back to the dock to return it, undamaged, and untouched (just better equipped to handle the waters next time it goes sailing). So, I suppose Chioma, my darling sister, is right also. It is a possibility that you can need someone for a season to move on to the next level with God; it is just that a lot of times, even Christians compromise the divine will of God. They get too physically attached, and want to try things, like kissing, and other intimate physical relation; and that takes away the innocence and majesty of God's Presence and Voice. (GPV..LL).
Yeah, so that's how I feel. I really am PLEASED that I decided to come down this road that was not taken..thanks Mrs. M.
It's interestin how the position that a person assumes while readin can affect their concentration..also, the kind of music a person listens to can affect whether they read or not..as u can guess, that is y im not readin right now..i got DISTRACTED!! Ok, so I searched for mellow song playlists, and the song that just ended now is "Incubus: Aqueous Transmission", and for the last 30 seconds, there were frogs croaking..just frogs croakin...it had an eerie( i had to think about hw to speel eerie..this is not good) feel about it...I have always wondered why it is that I can be talkin to someone and all of a sudden, remember that I have forgotten their name, and this is not just an acquaintance that I'm talking about...creepy...
Johnny Cash is playin now..."Hurt"...Good song..Pity it was just the 30 second version, so I cannot really vouch for the fact that it is a good song, because I am not in the mood to search for the full song
Okay, so I'm gonna go write my novel...I find it interestin how this blog accepts "gonna" as a word..but not "okay"; the suggestion for "okay" is "Tokay", which is a wine, and a gecko, and a grape, and a character in the "Legend of Zelda." Interesting English is..change it I will...patience I must have...school work I must do...log off this blog I must...
So, there is this game that I really like: a soccer managing game. One problem though: it is addicting. I'm trying to reason to see if I can control it; in the past, it has been impossible to control, impossible. But, I really like the game, and I am downloading it right now. I must make a commitment: I will play the game today, and check out the new features, and then take it off!! If it were like a game console, instead of a PC game, it would make it a lot easier to control; but a PC game is way to dangerous...way too addicting...So, yeah, I will play it for a couple of hours, and take it off..Even now, I can feel its grasp on my heart; I know this is not the (okay, so I realized that I was about to type in "will of God"; so I have canceled the download; it is too risky). Yep, so I'm not going to do it. Later
It pains me that I cannot listen to Kanye West; he swears so much...but he is so fresh. Music needs a revamp; we need to redefine it yo..seriously, hip hop needs a heads up in the Christian world...Christian hip hop is somewhat lame; the beats aren't tight...we need to redefine things..like I was thinking of redefining the word "sexy." I hate the context that it used in; the word does not really sound bad when I say it, really...The world just has a way of making things so..so..worldly..
I'm going crazy..someone needs to come up with some excellent plan on how to concentrate..or write a "How To Concentrate" book or something, seriously...I have work to do and I just cannot seem to get my mind on it...not cool; I'm either going to read my Bible or read a novel or something.
Reading my Bible today, (I started Mark a little while ago), I got certain insight and thought from the fourth chapter; like I have heard people say a lot of times that they have given their life to Christ at least four times, or so if feels, they say; but the answer lies in the parable of the sower. The different soil types are not specific and unilateral; instead, they are/ can be different stages of our life. At a point, Satan is in COMPLETE control of our hearts, and so he can snatch God's word away; at another time, we let the excitement of the stirring of the Spirit take over the need for total acquiescence to God; another time, the trials of life try us and we fall (not even stumble); then, finally we understand what the parable means. just like when Jesus asked his disciples, "Know ye not this parable? and how then will you know all parables?. We finally understand what Christianity means.
Also, the mustard seed story made me think; it is so true that a lot of times, when people give their life to Christ, they expect to feel the same excitement to remain two days after they have received Jesus. But the word of God is a seed that must first take root in your life (see Mark 4:17), and then begin to give fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some an hundred.
Then about relationships, I was thinking, in a Godly relationship, how can two friends take it to the next level? I have thought about this for a while; because previously, I did not like the term courting; but now, I think I do. I now believe that there is a stage in a friendly relationship between a guy and a girl where an empasse is reached; you can almost not go past that stage without something being compromised (so, kudos Peter Parker, you were right). I think when the guy, since he is the man, makes a decision to commitment, by letting the girl know he likes her, and she is willing to let him know more about her (because, remember my quotey thing, "A woman's heart should be so close to God, that a man has to seek God to find it?", then a lot can happen. Well, thing is if both of them are being honest in that time of intimacy and getting to know each other, then if it is meant to be that they move on, both of them will know, and it does not have to be a painful parting. Because, if you spend time with someone, and you are TOTALLY willing to listen to God during that season, you will know when you tire of the other person. You will probably have problems at a time, but the thing is, I think you will know if the person is right for you. I once told Peter that I don't think God will spell out the name of the right person for you; I don't think he agrees with me. Thing is, we are both right. You see, you must first take a leap of faith, and step out into the boat, when you feel that someone can become important to you; then, you must use God as your compass and follow Him either to the end of the water with the boat, or back to the dock to return it, undamaged, and untouched (just better equipped to handle the waters next time it goes sailing). So, I suppose Chioma, my darling sister, is right also. It is a possibility that you can need someone for a season to move on to the next level with God; it is just that a lot of times, even Christians compromise the divine will of God. They get too physically attached, and want to try things, like kissing, and other intimate physical relation; and that takes away the innocence and majesty of God's Presence and Voice. (GPV..LL).
Yeah, so that's how I feel. I really am PLEASED that I decided to come down this road that was not taken..thanks Mrs. M.
It's interestin how the position that a person assumes while readin can affect their concentration..also, the kind of music a person listens to can affect whether they read or not..as u can guess, that is y im not readin right now..i got DISTRACTED!! Ok, so I searched for mellow song playlists, and the song that just ended now is "Incubus: Aqueous Transmission", and for the last 30 seconds, there were frogs croaking..just frogs croakin...it had an eerie( i had to think about hw to speel eerie..this is not good) feel about it...I have always wondered why it is that I can be talkin to someone and all of a sudden, remember that I have forgotten their name, and this is not just an acquaintance that I'm talking about...creepy...
Johnny Cash is playin now..."Hurt"...Good song..Pity it was just the 30 second version, so I cannot really vouch for the fact that it is a good song, because I am not in the mood to search for the full song
Okay, so I'm gonna go write my novel...I find it interestin how this blog accepts "gonna" as a word..but not "okay"; the suggestion for "okay" is "Tokay", which is a wine, and a gecko, and a grape, and a character in the "Legend of Zelda." Interesting English is..change it I will...patience I must have...school work I must do...log off this blog I must...
So, there is this game that I really like: a soccer managing game. One problem though: it is addicting. I'm trying to reason to see if I can control it; in the past, it has been impossible to control, impossible. But, I really like the game, and I am downloading it right now. I must make a commitment: I will play the game today, and check out the new features, and then take it off!! If it were like a game console, instead of a PC game, it would make it a lot easier to control; but a PC game is way to dangerous...way too addicting...So, yeah, I will play it for a couple of hours, and take it off..Even now, I can feel its grasp on my heart; I know this is not the (okay, so I realized that I was about to type in "will of God"; so I have canceled the download; it is too risky). Yep, so I'm not going to do it. Later
It pains me that I cannot listen to Kanye West; he swears so much...but he is so fresh. Music needs a revamp; we need to redefine it yo..seriously, hip hop needs a heads up in the Christian world...Christian hip hop is somewhat lame; the beats aren't tight...we need to redefine things..like I was thinking of redefining the word "sexy." I hate the context that it used in; the word does not really sound bad when I say it, really...The world just has a way of making things so..so..worldly..
I'm going crazy..someone needs to come up with some excellent plan on how to concentrate..or write a "How To Concentrate" book or something, seriously...I have work to do and I just cannot seem to get my mind on it...not cool; I'm either going to read my Bible or read a novel or something.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Day 21
I miss home...by that I mean, Nigeria...old friends...real friends...friends who know me...at least some of them...
I did not get depressed from my home-sickness, but I really felt the strength of God's love so powerfully, and I knew I had to watch this video again:
http://godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca
It is the innocence of this child that gets me; I can't help it. I have to cry (unmanly huh?)when I see this, because I also am very aware of the girl looking behind at her father's encouraging face; and I remember all that my parents did for me, and I know that one day, I will have a child, MY child, looking on at my face as she seeks out God for herself...or himself...
God make me a child again...let me seek Your face, with the same look that this little girl seeks after her father's..I want to know You more...What does it take? Ask it of me...Make me Your little boy
I am going to watch it again, and then sleep..
1 26am...Perfect day to start the day...Good night God; or better yet, meet me in a dream tonight; just You and me...
Sitting here, all alone; I wonder, why do I do the things that I do? No jokes, I am a strange man. It is 41 degrees outside, and I have on a big yellow Chaps Ralph Lauren shirt (with a large gray area in the middle, which just happens to match my gray tanktop (or singlet as we call it back home)), my yellow basketball shorts, my TH socks, and my white shoes, with their yellow soles. (I did not intend to match, by the way; I actually woke up, wanting to dress down). I wonder, should a period come after this parenthesis? Back to what I was saying (sometimes, I wonder if I have the brain of a mad man), I do a lot of strange things, and I don't really care. Is that what people call kool? I really don't do it to seem kool; I'm just Stan. Just like when I jumped off the ledge in the Science Center, sort of krazy it was; but look, I used to be afraid of heights okay? So doing something like that is very exciting for me. Some of the strange things I do include: flipping coins; (I used to look "deeply" into people's eyes until I found that doing so gave me a power over them that I really do not want to exploit, my player days are long over); jerking my head quickly when I am trying to get rid of a thought that flies into my head; the little wave thing I do with my hand; looking fixedtedly(look, fixedtedly sounds a lot better than fixedly) at a certain thing; praying for random people in my head; watching people move their feet; watching people for a chnage in movement or behaviour; (i started talking to myself a little while ago); (I don't know if this counts, but not really caring what people think sometimes). Why? When? Where? These are answers I want to know; maybe they can bring me closer to understanding who I really am. In my journey with God, I have come to places where I am like, yo, I don't trust myself anymore; I really cannot vouch for myself. U know? I find it stunning how, in "little time", I have been able to shed off my "player status" completely (it has been almost two years since I honestly gave my life to Christ...I think it was sometime in October or thereabout). Ahh..I remember..I really did not chase girls in the real sense of it; I let them chase me. I just ignited a spark, and they fell for it. I was a player godfather then; everyone wanted to learn some of the magic (my brother, cousins, juniors at school, even my sisters and my mother were in awe at what I could do(they did not know all of it of course)). When I gave my life up to Christ, I really was not in a horrible position; true I was going through a lot, but I still had friends; I still had the magic (infact, it was enveloping me more and more)...But, I gave everything up; and I wish I could take back my life before God. True it helps as a testimony for others; but I wish I could take it back.
One day, this idea came to me; if an attractive girl is looking at me, and I know she is checking me out, should I look back at her? My answer is maybe; a lot of times, I know I just shouldn't. I tell myself, my wife will find me atractive; God finds me attractive; why should I really care if everyone else in the world is checking me out? Other times, I do the polite thing, and smile innocently (funny enough, a Sang/Phleg girl(who I should be spending more time with really; I feel like she is my sister in a way...don't I always) told her sister that when I smile, I look like a little boy. That is very funny really; nice, but funny. Looking like a little boy can be a charming thing...LL..(Wow..this is the first time I have actually put in my ground-breaking L's...does that mean this is the first time I am actually smiling? Hmm..I don't remember. Well, big up to you Amy..big up to u..LL..)
Got back a little while ago from playing basketball with some kids; full court action. It was fun, to an extent; and I expected to be the "star", "the shot caller" of the team; and ironically, I did not have a good game. I am more partial to half-court I must confess. What is the moral of this story? I cannot be the best at anything...that looks like a pretty obvious statement, until I sit down and think about it. I cannot be the best at everything. Sometimes I wonder, what "draws" people to me? True, I am a cheerful person, most of the time...LL...u know, and all of that; but, it gets confusing sometimes; I wonder sometimes. I am friendly but I have never really had a best friend; I am more like the kid who knows everyone. Really, I think I want to pursue some closer relationships now; my heart almost yearns for it...there is no such thing as almost...either it yearns for it or it doesn't. So, yeah, it yearns for it. So back to the "best" thing, in high school, I was the cool kid; the kid everyone wanted to know and all...I was Stan. I did not have to read to really excel in my classes at my school (which is one of the best in the country by the way; not the priciest, but one of the best); top 8, top 5, top 4...but I never really think I held down the No.1 spot for a long period of time ever. Somewhat because I really did not care for it; I could not put in a 100% of my time into school; even now, I really can't. I think God is showing me the enormity of the world; I cannot lose sight of my own goal, to try to accomplish someone else's.
I have been thinking a lot about certain things; or even, a certain thing; and I am still confused. Maybe, stepping out of the boat is necessary; but for me, it is complex. I have never been out in this kind of open sea before; I will not say it is tumultuous; but it is tricky, because I do not know it will lead me. Hold up, first things first...I have not even stepped into the boat yet; I really do not care about falling into the water, really...I don't mind getting wet(even though I cannot swim..LL..have to learn how...have to learn how...have to learn...swim)...I'm Stan..I always pick myself back up..nothing holds me down under too long (maybe except poverty and those kinda things...nothin bad there...I only have to remember that God is in control)..it is the boat that I am concerned for. Really; yeah, this is not a chauvinistic show or anything...it is just the way I am...like holding doors for girls...I AM NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE!! I really am not!! I love it when the girls I hold it open for just smile and thank me and walk on, really...one of my friends continually says I am a player, and I think from a distance I may seem like one. Funny thing is this: most of the girls I know on campus, I have not even asked for numbers from. Really...I can't remember the last time I just randomly met a girl, and asked her for her number...That just isn't my stees...Hmm...I think that maybe the fact that I am that kind of guy who will not up and invite a girl to my place (I really don't mind it; in fact I would love it if people would come over to my place more...I remember when my Dad started getting annoyed cos too may kids came over to my crib back home..he said I had too many friends..LL) is one of the reasons why I am somewhat secluded...
I think I am an enigma because I want to be that way; I answer ambiguously when asked certain questions. I remember when one of my friends told me something; she said I knew almost everything about her; but she did not know anything about me, and it is true. When I said she was not asking the right questions, she made efforts to; but I just could not answer them completely because I am not used to doing that. I have chosen to remain a mystery for so long, that it has to take something special to get me out...that makes me happy because I know I am really not hard to understand. Some things about me are unchangeable: my love for God; my love for others; my positive outlook on life; my open heart; my willingness to sacrifice my time for others (I'm trying to cut down on that one though..I have to make a 4.0...no, that came out wrong..I can make a 4.0 if I really decide that I want it). One of the things that riles me really is pride, like a certain type of pride: the type that makes people think they are better than other; I am really the guy who always tries (why not trys; that looks more Gaelic) to look out for the underdog.
U know, writing this blog is making me understand myself better, and put my ideas and thoughts down...it is something that I believe God has wanted me to do for a long time; write it down, He said. I started and stopped, every time....I started and stopped..but typing with my laptop (on my lap), this feels real; I don't really have to think sometimes..or think that I'm thinking...this feels real...Funny thing is that I do not think that reading this blog can make anyone understand me...like really know me...but that is obvious; it's just like stalking someone on Facebook...but I yearn to be understood. I think a couple of kids do to an extent...It is said that a great man is one that is rarely understood...that is almost laughable to me now...a lonely man is rarely understood...a great man takes his ideas and impacts lives..it transcends making light bulbs; it transcends modeling a Bugatti...it is the cornerstone that a man looks at, and knows that indeed there is a God...
God I love you; and I really don't think I want to sleep this morning...I feel I overslept yesterday: I had about 6 or something hours...that is scary, that i think I overslep..but I do..really, I do...I am hungry!! In the last 24 hours, 1 slice of pizza, and other little random stuff...it is almost like a mandatory fast; flip side is that I am going to lose weight...I think I may have some to lose really; some muscle..LL..but it annoys me when I don't fill out my clothes!! It makes me feel lighter...
I need to watch that little girl again; I wish I had certain friends around me now (9or a certain friend)..I feel I would laugh more...
Sign out, I think...12:44...oh oh..I have overlapped into the next day
Sorry, I just had to embed this video..LL..I promise to eat...I think
I did not get depressed from my home-sickness, but I really felt the strength of God's love so powerfully, and I knew I had to watch this video again:
http://godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca
It is the innocence of this child that gets me; I can't help it. I have to cry (unmanly huh?)when I see this, because I also am very aware of the girl looking behind at her father's encouraging face; and I remember all that my parents did for me, and I know that one day, I will have a child, MY child, looking on at my face as she seeks out God for herself...or himself...
God make me a child again...let me seek Your face, with the same look that this little girl seeks after her father's..I want to know You more...What does it take? Ask it of me...Make me Your little boy
I am going to watch it again, and then sleep..
1 26am...Perfect day to start the day...Good night God; or better yet, meet me in a dream tonight; just You and me...
Sitting here, all alone; I wonder, why do I do the things that I do? No jokes, I am a strange man. It is 41 degrees outside, and I have on a big yellow Chaps Ralph Lauren shirt (with a large gray area in the middle, which just happens to match my gray tanktop (or singlet as we call it back home)), my yellow basketball shorts, my TH socks, and my white shoes, with their yellow soles. (I did not intend to match, by the way; I actually woke up, wanting to dress down). I wonder, should a period come after this parenthesis? Back to what I was saying (sometimes, I wonder if I have the brain of a mad man), I do a lot of strange things, and I don't really care. Is that what people call kool? I really don't do it to seem kool; I'm just Stan. Just like when I jumped off the ledge in the Science Center, sort of krazy it was; but look, I used to be afraid of heights okay? So doing something like that is very exciting for me. Some of the strange things I do include: flipping coins; (I used to look "deeply" into people's eyes until I found that doing so gave me a power over them that I really do not want to exploit, my player days are long over); jerking my head quickly when I am trying to get rid of a thought that flies into my head; the little wave thing I do with my hand; looking fixedtedly(look, fixedtedly sounds a lot better than fixedly) at a certain thing; praying for random people in my head; watching people move their feet; watching people for a chnage in movement or behaviour; (i started talking to myself a little while ago); (I don't know if this counts, but not really caring what people think sometimes). Why? When? Where? These are answers I want to know; maybe they can bring me closer to understanding who I really am. In my journey with God, I have come to places where I am like, yo, I don't trust myself anymore; I really cannot vouch for myself. U know? I find it stunning how, in "little time", I have been able to shed off my "player status" completely (it has been almost two years since I honestly gave my life to Christ...I think it was sometime in October or thereabout). Ahh..I remember..I really did not chase girls in the real sense of it; I let them chase me. I just ignited a spark, and they fell for it. I was a player godfather then; everyone wanted to learn some of the magic (my brother, cousins, juniors at school, even my sisters and my mother were in awe at what I could do(they did not know all of it of course)). When I gave my life up to Christ, I really was not in a horrible position; true I was going through a lot, but I still had friends; I still had the magic (infact, it was enveloping me more and more)...But, I gave everything up; and I wish I could take back my life before God. True it helps as a testimony for others; but I wish I could take it back.
One day, this idea came to me; if an attractive girl is looking at me, and I know she is checking me out, should I look back at her? My answer is maybe; a lot of times, I know I just shouldn't. I tell myself, my wife will find me atractive; God finds me attractive; why should I really care if everyone else in the world is checking me out? Other times, I do the polite thing, and smile innocently (funny enough, a Sang/Phleg girl(who I should be spending more time with really; I feel like she is my sister in a way...don't I always) told her sister that when I smile, I look like a little boy. That is very funny really; nice, but funny. Looking like a little boy can be a charming thing...LL..(Wow..this is the first time I have actually put in my ground-breaking L's...does that mean this is the first time I am actually smiling? Hmm..I don't remember. Well, big up to you Amy..big up to u..LL..)
Got back a little while ago from playing basketball with some kids; full court action. It was fun, to an extent; and I expected to be the "star", "the shot caller" of the team; and ironically, I did not have a good game. I am more partial to half-court I must confess. What is the moral of this story? I cannot be the best at anything...that looks like a pretty obvious statement, until I sit down and think about it. I cannot be the best at everything. Sometimes I wonder, what "draws" people to me? True, I am a cheerful person, most of the time...LL...u know, and all of that; but, it gets confusing sometimes; I wonder sometimes. I am friendly but I have never really had a best friend; I am more like the kid who knows everyone. Really, I think I want to pursue some closer relationships now; my heart almost yearns for it...there is no such thing as almost...either it yearns for it or it doesn't. So, yeah, it yearns for it. So back to the "best" thing, in high school, I was the cool kid; the kid everyone wanted to know and all...I was Stan. I did not have to read to really excel in my classes at my school (which is one of the best in the country by the way; not the priciest, but one of the best); top 8, top 5, top 4...but I never really think I held down the No.1 spot for a long period of time ever. Somewhat because I really did not care for it; I could not put in a 100% of my time into school; even now, I really can't. I think God is showing me the enormity of the world; I cannot lose sight of my own goal, to try to accomplish someone else's.
I have been thinking a lot about certain things; or even, a certain thing; and I am still confused. Maybe, stepping out of the boat is necessary; but for me, it is complex. I have never been out in this kind of open sea before; I will not say it is tumultuous; but it is tricky, because I do not know it will lead me. Hold up, first things first...I have not even stepped into the boat yet; I really do not care about falling into the water, really...I don't mind getting wet(even though I cannot swim..LL..have to learn how...have to learn how...have to learn...swim)...I'm Stan..I always pick myself back up..nothing holds me down under too long (maybe except poverty and those kinda things...nothin bad there...I only have to remember that God is in control)..it is the boat that I am concerned for. Really; yeah, this is not a chauvinistic show or anything...it is just the way I am...like holding doors for girls...I AM NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE!! I really am not!! I love it when the girls I hold it open for just smile and thank me and walk on, really...one of my friends continually says I am a player, and I think from a distance I may seem like one. Funny thing is this: most of the girls I know on campus, I have not even asked for numbers from. Really...I can't remember the last time I just randomly met a girl, and asked her for her number...That just isn't my stees...Hmm...I think that maybe the fact that I am that kind of guy who will not up and invite a girl to my place (I really don't mind it; in fact I would love it if people would come over to my place more...I remember when my Dad started getting annoyed cos too may kids came over to my crib back home..he said I had too many friends..LL) is one of the reasons why I am somewhat secluded...
I think I am an enigma because I want to be that way; I answer ambiguously when asked certain questions. I remember when one of my friends told me something; she said I knew almost everything about her; but she did not know anything about me, and it is true. When I said she was not asking the right questions, she made efforts to; but I just could not answer them completely because I am not used to doing that. I have chosen to remain a mystery for so long, that it has to take something special to get me out...that makes me happy because I know I am really not hard to understand. Some things about me are unchangeable: my love for God; my love for others; my positive outlook on life; my open heart; my willingness to sacrifice my time for others (I'm trying to cut down on that one though..I have to make a 4.0...no, that came out wrong..I can make a 4.0 if I really decide that I want it). One of the things that riles me really is pride, like a certain type of pride: the type that makes people think they are better than other; I am really the guy who always tries (why not trys; that looks more Gaelic) to look out for the underdog.
U know, writing this blog is making me understand myself better, and put my ideas and thoughts down...it is something that I believe God has wanted me to do for a long time; write it down, He said. I started and stopped, every time....I started and stopped..but typing with my laptop (on my lap), this feels real; I don't really have to think sometimes..or think that I'm thinking...this feels real...Funny thing is that I do not think that reading this blog can make anyone understand me...like really know me...but that is obvious; it's just like stalking someone on Facebook...but I yearn to be understood. I think a couple of kids do to an extent...It is said that a great man is one that is rarely understood...that is almost laughable to me now...a lonely man is rarely understood...a great man takes his ideas and impacts lives..it transcends making light bulbs; it transcends modeling a Bugatti...it is the cornerstone that a man looks at, and knows that indeed there is a God...
God I love you; and I really don't think I want to sleep this morning...I feel I overslept yesterday: I had about 6 or something hours...that is scary, that i think I overslep..but I do..really, I do...I am hungry!! In the last 24 hours, 1 slice of pizza, and other little random stuff...it is almost like a mandatory fast; flip side is that I am going to lose weight...I think I may have some to lose really; some muscle..LL..but it annoys me when I don't fill out my clothes!! It makes me feel lighter...
I need to watch that little girl again; I wish I had certain friends around me now (9or a certain friend)..I feel I would laugh more...
Sign out, I think...12:44...oh oh..I have overlapped into the next day
Sorry, I just had to embed this video..LL..I promise to eat...I think
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Day 20 aka today
(cut off...haha)
Also, I think I should write a little about the things that God has delivered me from from the time of my youth and innocence till this moment. I need to give myself credit for the fact that God has led me through a lot, and so, my imperfections today are just temporal, and I will break through ALL of them!! God I love You!!
Oh, I also need to call up Jon soon to play ping pong; and I also saw Erica, she stays at Wilson now. I think I have upped my discipline at least a little bit; I found myself able to make myself do things that I previously wouldn’t have been able to.
Off to Chem Lab.
So, I’m just really excited because something just happened…That doesn’t say much, I know. Patience…I walked into the ERC at Clarkson, and I saw a friend, well more of an acquaintance cos we don’t hang out too much. He asked me what I was up to; and I said getting ready for the weekend, u know how it is. So, he asked me if I drink? And I said no…I was inclined to walk away just then; but something made me ask him the same question. With slanted eyes darting from side to side, he said, “from time to time; not to get drunk, u knw”…He asked me why I did not drink, and I told him it was partly because of my religion, and also because I really didn’t care for it; I did not need to drink to have fun. He talked about fitting in with friends and stuff like that; and it led us into this extremely deep conversation about God. He says he is atheist; but I see a man seeking for God; now that is not a presumptuous statement because as time went by, I realized that he is searching for God. He opened the deep hole about religion and God being created by man; and I happily jumped in. He talked about an ultimate truth, and I said that truth on its own is ultimate; it is not just tautology to use the phrase that way; it is divinely wrong. We talked for a while; talked, not argued; he respected my thoughts, and I honestly respected his. I finally said something: I am willing to die for God, literally, and I said that not every one who claims to be Christian can say that. He looked at me with awe-filled eyes, and his eyes brimmed as he talked, holding back tears; then he looked away, and continued talking. Today, I saved a soul; and it pleases me. I know I saved his soul because I will continue to see him, and continue to pray for him when I see him.
I thought about what my life will be when I am old; will time change God? If it does, it will excite me, because it means I have another thing to keep my fire going; but if it changes the very nature of God, His character, His very person, then time will do me wrong; and I truly hope I am taken away before I fall into perdition. But I am not afraid, because like I told my friend: heaven is not a goal for me, it is a reward; serving God everyday, now that is my joy, at least here on earth.
Oh, by the way, the tense is in past because all this happened in the past; and I had to come write it down. But, I already know that, so why am I writing it down? Maybe, maybe, I’m crazy…I hear if you get less than 5 hours of sleep you go crazy; I do that sometimes, so maybe I’m crazy.
Oh, yeah, my Calc professor is having me redo the project because she cannot figure out why my answer was wrong. Yep!! U know how we do…
Yea, so I have to get this outta my system; when you hear just a voice that you think is God's, and later, you find that it isn't, where was God's voice then? I am reminded of Elijah, and the voice of God in the mountain; Elijah heard so many voices until God's voice came. Are we being presumptuous by expecting God to answer us when we ask; is it wrong to desire a time line? I think it is, in some ways; I just had a thought: the voice I heard today wasn't from God. At 57, yea, I wanted to do something; when I came, I thought I would, but God didn't let me. Then, later in the night, I heard something, and it got me confused, but in a way I know it was not from God. Not because I did not like what I heard; but because I have prayed and fasted, and I think my spiritual awareness is higher now than usual. So, sitting back now, in the mellow and serene atmosphere of my room, away from eyes, and hearts, I know that was not God's voice. Was I sad when I heard it? Yes...yes I was; but even if at the end, that is God's answer, so be it, u know? Why bother? Some things are meant to be, and others aren't. Que sera sera is not a declaration of irresponsibility, it is an understanding of the fickleness of life; for me, it is a willingness to give up all to God.
No eyes here, no hearts...I lie: hair, eyes, heart (dark hair, brown eyes, hidden heart...protected heart)...Nothing wrong there...Nothing wrong...
I meant to put this up a while ago; Jarrod Persun said some quote that rocked me incredibly; once I get back on Facebook, I will add it on. It reads:
"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek God to find it."
Wow!! Nothing could and should be more true; maybe just to me, but it rocked me for a bit. Wow!! Creation made simple...the very bedrock of life...the very yearning of my heart...
Really how can I know? Do I need to make a commitment...maybe. But, then again, I am not the hit and miss kind of guy...eyes, hair, heart...
I just flipped to the back of my Bible, and I saw some things that God required of me:
He is no fool that gives up what he cannot keep; to gain what he cannot lose.
You cannot be a victor, and a victim at the same time.
If you want to break out, do more than you're told.
A man who makes up ideas about his God is bigger than his God
Integrity is doing the right thing when you can do the wrong thing undetected.
A man sees futility. Visualize a concept where a woman wants her husband to accomplish a goal, but he sees futility in his work because after every good job, there is yet another bad job.
A woman asks am I loveable?
Difference between joy and happiness
God loves us and does not rest till we love Him. Picture a king wooing a beautiful exotic "gypsy" in the forest(like a R.Hood forest) from his castle.
Write about your journey with God. (long term goal)
Concept of sin making you want what someone else has; blocking your real blessing(concept of Esau and Jacob).
God calls orphans to be his children(it is not His will for orphanage(i used it as a adjective? interesting) to occur; but He calls them to be his children)
Conversion isn't when you ask of God and receive of Him; but when you release all to Him without any look for reward...that is the difference between religion and spirituality
Hippies: Their fathers came back from WW and worked too hard and did not have time for their kids; so their kids looked for their identities, and became lost in the world
With God, if love does not work, fear does.
Remember that compassion, where you can feel everyone's thoughts and pain. When I asked God, He does not show me things because He knows I cannot take everyone's pain on my shoulder...Jesus did that already
I should start playing chess again; I have been knighted.
Long one...
Omo Naija!! Cant wait to hit up them dance parties back home!! Wish I was going home this Christmas...Aah!! I need to get low yo...
Yeah, I'll read Chem a bit and continue my novel...
Sometimes, I feel like I'm two different people...one's so hyped up...the otherz mellow...now I realize I'm either and both...God made me unique and it's exciting to see that I can be one, and still the other...Goodbye moods!!
Also, I think I should write a little about the things that God has delivered me from from the time of my youth and innocence till this moment. I need to give myself credit for the fact that God has led me through a lot, and so, my imperfections today are just temporal, and I will break through ALL of them!! God I love You!!
Oh, I also need to call up Jon soon to play ping pong; and I also saw Erica, she stays at Wilson now. I think I have upped my discipline at least a little bit; I found myself able to make myself do things that I previously wouldn’t have been able to.
Off to Chem Lab.
So, I’m just really excited because something just happened…That doesn’t say much, I know. Patience…I walked into the ERC at Clarkson, and I saw a friend, well more of an acquaintance cos we don’t hang out too much. He asked me what I was up to; and I said getting ready for the weekend, u know how it is. So, he asked me if I drink? And I said no…I was inclined to walk away just then; but something made me ask him the same question. With slanted eyes darting from side to side, he said, “from time to time; not to get drunk, u knw”…He asked me why I did not drink, and I told him it was partly because of my religion, and also because I really didn’t care for it; I did not need to drink to have fun. He talked about fitting in with friends and stuff like that; and it led us into this extremely deep conversation about God. He says he is atheist; but I see a man seeking for God; now that is not a presumptuous statement because as time went by, I realized that he is searching for God. He opened the deep hole about religion and God being created by man; and I happily jumped in. He talked about an ultimate truth, and I said that truth on its own is ultimate; it is not just tautology to use the phrase that way; it is divinely wrong. We talked for a while; talked, not argued; he respected my thoughts, and I honestly respected his. I finally said something: I am willing to die for God, literally, and I said that not every one who claims to be Christian can say that. He looked at me with awe-filled eyes, and his eyes brimmed as he talked, holding back tears; then he looked away, and continued talking. Today, I saved a soul; and it pleases me. I know I saved his soul because I will continue to see him, and continue to pray for him when I see him.
I thought about what my life will be when I am old; will time change God? If it does, it will excite me, because it means I have another thing to keep my fire going; but if it changes the very nature of God, His character, His very person, then time will do me wrong; and I truly hope I am taken away before I fall into perdition. But I am not afraid, because like I told my friend: heaven is not a goal for me, it is a reward; serving God everyday, now that is my joy, at least here on earth.
Oh, by the way, the tense is in past because all this happened in the past; and I had to come write it down. But, I already know that, so why am I writing it down? Maybe, maybe, I’m crazy…I hear if you get less than 5 hours of sleep you go crazy; I do that sometimes, so maybe I’m crazy.
Oh, yeah, my Calc professor is having me redo the project because she cannot figure out why my answer was wrong. Yep!! U know how we do…
Yea, so I have to get this outta my system; when you hear just a voice that you think is God's, and later, you find that it isn't, where was God's voice then? I am reminded of Elijah, and the voice of God in the mountain; Elijah heard so many voices until God's voice came. Are we being presumptuous by expecting God to answer us when we ask; is it wrong to desire a time line? I think it is, in some ways; I just had a thought: the voice I heard today wasn't from God. At 57, yea, I wanted to do something; when I came, I thought I would, but God didn't let me. Then, later in the night, I heard something, and it got me confused, but in a way I know it was not from God. Not because I did not like what I heard; but because I have prayed and fasted, and I think my spiritual awareness is higher now than usual. So, sitting back now, in the mellow and serene atmosphere of my room, away from eyes, and hearts, I know that was not God's voice. Was I sad when I heard it? Yes...yes I was; but even if at the end, that is God's answer, so be it, u know? Why bother? Some things are meant to be, and others aren't. Que sera sera is not a declaration of irresponsibility, it is an understanding of the fickleness of life; for me, it is a willingness to give up all to God.
No eyes here, no hearts...I lie: hair, eyes, heart (dark hair, brown eyes, hidden heart...protected heart)...Nothing wrong there...Nothing wrong...
I meant to put this up a while ago; Jarrod Persun said some quote that rocked me incredibly; once I get back on Facebook, I will add it on. It reads:
"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek God to find it."
Wow!! Nothing could and should be more true; maybe just to me, but it rocked me for a bit. Wow!! Creation made simple...the very bedrock of life...the very yearning of my heart...
Really how can I know? Do I need to make a commitment...maybe. But, then again, I am not the hit and miss kind of guy...eyes, hair, heart...
I just flipped to the back of my Bible, and I saw some things that God required of me:
He is no fool that gives up what he cannot keep; to gain what he cannot lose.
You cannot be a victor, and a victim at the same time.
If you want to break out, do more than you're told.
A man who makes up ideas about his God is bigger than his God
Integrity is doing the right thing when you can do the wrong thing undetected.
A man sees futility. Visualize a concept where a woman wants her husband to accomplish a goal, but he sees futility in his work because after every good job, there is yet another bad job.
A woman asks am I loveable?
Difference between joy and happiness
God loves us and does not rest till we love Him. Picture a king wooing a beautiful exotic "gypsy" in the forest(like a R.Hood forest) from his castle.
Write about your journey with God. (long term goal)
Concept of sin making you want what someone else has; blocking your real blessing(concept of Esau and Jacob).
God calls orphans to be his children(it is not His will for orphanage(i used it as a adjective? interesting) to occur; but He calls them to be his children)
Conversion isn't when you ask of God and receive of Him; but when you release all to Him without any look for reward...that is the difference between religion and spirituality
Hippies: Their fathers came back from WW and worked too hard and did not have time for their kids; so their kids looked for their identities, and became lost in the world
With God, if love does not work, fear does.
Remember that compassion, where you can feel everyone's thoughts and pain. When I asked God, He does not show me things because He knows I cannot take everyone's pain on my shoulder...Jesus did that already
I should start playing chess again; I have been knighted.
Long one...
Omo Naija!! Cant wait to hit up them dance parties back home!! Wish I was going home this Christmas...Aah!! I need to get low yo...
Yeah, I'll read Chem a bit and continue my novel...
Sometimes, I feel like I'm two different people...one's so hyped up...the otherz mellow...now I realize I'm either and both...God made me unique and it's exciting to see that I can be one, and still the other...Goodbye moods!!
Day 19
So, I’m up here at 7:01; and I’m reading an article about the new Pivo car by Nissan; and just after reading the article, I had a thought: in the near future, on a general scale, cars are not going to be judged in terms of beauty, but on efficiency. I think that in time, as technology advances, the shape and size of these cars will morph, and we will have to realign our perspective of “beauty” and “attraction” to accommodate this shift in technology. Imagine if a flying car is developed; will people care about the fact that it is as ugly as a Dell Inspiron B120 (which by the way is my laptop) laptop, or will they just say, “Wow!! A flying car; I want one of those!!” The latter seems more acceptable.
Also, I wonder is there any real need to check my email before 8am on a school day? If I checked my email a night before; should I really bother going to the OWA website that my college switched over to? No staff is going to arrive that early, and send an email; so maybe it is just a function of habit; maybe it is because we cannot live without the internet anymore. But is it really just the “internet” as an entity, or is it that fact that as humans we want the things we see and do frequently? Is the internet just a past time, a apropos invention that gave man something more eclectic to engage in? But then, there was a real need to be met when Larry Page and Sergey Brin. Isn’t it amusing that I typed in “Google Boys” under the Google search engine, because I couldn’t remember the name of the other “Google Boy”? Also, the search engine has been acting weird, and making me type in letters to verify that I am not spyware; it causes me to wonder: how much is the security level of Google being compromised? As I have experienced, this security measure is extremely frustrating after the third time (oh, by the way, they prompt me twice to enter a password; more than any other I have ever seen); and I resorted to using the “Mamma” search to find articles on “Google Boys.” That is ironic.
I find that when I want to get to the last word of my last sentence while typing, I do not want to have to scroll all the way down or scroll forward to get there. I want to be able to press a single button and continue writing immediately; same thing goes for scrolling to the top or the middle, or even to a specific idea. Some applications have this ability already, where your cursor is navigated to the end of a page when you press down, but only if you are on the same line qua last line. A random thought comes to me: what if you had an extra button to guide you to the middle of a page, or line; and the screen of the computer were to be made smaller, to lend more importance to that move. The “screen” or really just the info on the screen can be projected outwards from the computer to increase its size. Then again, mind reading computers can come into play; but that is very dangerous territory, very dangerous…
Anyways, “Mamma” (its ue has fallen so much, that inscribing it in quotes is not unnecessary) failed to find what I was looking for (maybe because I am used to the Googler’s method); so I am trying Yahoo!, which I am sure will come up with something; which it did!
Never buy “Suave Skin Therapy Cocoa Butter with Shea Moisturizer”; at least never in the US. It is a waste!!
I just read an article about survival mechanism of plants; and how they communicate through the neural network passing through their runners, with other plants of the same species. An experiment showed that caterpillars chose undamaged leaves over the damaged ones, because signals (harder leaves, etc) were sent to them from the plant. I guess this is important because it is not a good thing if an entire plant is eaten; rather see them spread out the pain, wouldn’t you say? Then, the downside of this, of course, is the susceptibility to viral attack, and such junk. But, I ask, why does this make headlines of yahoo.com? This is definitely not ground breaking stuff; neither is it new technology. How do articles make it to yahoo.com anyways?
Wow, I almost feel this cream is SUCKING the moisture from my hand!! Never buy
“Suave Skin Therapy Cocoa Butter with Shea Moisturizer”. Imagine if I opened up a website telling people what not to buy, from my experience; sort of like an opinion website? I would of course have to poll together a gaggle of people with different perspectives who are willing to ungaggle themselves and serve my purpose; but that could work…maybe…
I just read a horrible article about a boy who was kidnapped and molested for four years by a man, known as Devlin. It has been found that the boy had internet and phone access, which he chose not to use, because he had been threatened with the devil’s bargain: promise not to run away if you want to stay alive, while performing sodomist and other horrible acts with his molester. Did he really believe he could not get away or contact help; or was he like an animal who had become accustomed to its cage, that it would stay within the “invisible confines” of the cage? Very sad…For some reason, this reminds me of “The Prestige.” Poor, poor boy.
Lord, I can sing of your love forever…I can sing of Your love forever; I can sing of your love forever…I can sing of your love forever…
Isn’t it funny how during this period that I decided to fast from food, facebook and AIM, I am suddenly reading Colleen’s mom’s blog, and getting more spiritually active from it? Is this why I met Colleen maybe; to be impacted by her mother’s blog?
Wow!! That is all I can say. I just read an article on yahoo that stated 8 things that turn men on about women, and the list included: baseball caps, sexy shampoos, a woman who can bite her lip and keep from crying, and this is exactly what I posted:
“i'm sorry but i think this is really sad...if this is infact the sort of stuff that turns a man on, then maybe we need to define or infact, redefine what it means to be a man...because somehow i don't fall into these categories...i started off from "come on," to "u have got to be kidding me." stereotypes are a horrible thing; that is probably the one that this article impressed upon me...stereotypes are a horrible thing! i do not claim to be a cognoscenti in this matter, but come on guys, come on...”
There a lot of things that need to be redefined. I think even the term man is too vague a word for use in today’s society, seriously. The Biblical assertion of manhood is sometimes so far away from the world’s that I’m thinking maybe Christians need a dictionary of their own. Why not? Why ever not? Seriously. The same way we have Christian schools, and Christian movies; why can’t we have dictionaries that define things in a Christian format?
Okay, so I really am not making any assertions here; I am just writing down something strange that happened to me today. Earlier today, I saw the women at the Java city at the ERC, and they asked me why I had not been eating my cinnamon rolls, so I told them that I had not been having breakfast. The real reason is probably that I took my mind off it for a while because I was spending a lot on it; and I did not need it as much as I previously did. So, as I walked up the steps, I was like…what can it hurt, you know, it’s just 1.59 anyways…I walked back down and paid for it with the only bill I had in my pocket, a $20. I pocketed the change and “enjoyed” the “special” cinnamon rolls with “caramel nuts”(which they added "specially" for me, by the way)
So, I got back after my EE261 test, which went fine; and I decided I was hungry. I was thinking pizza; so I called Domino’s up, and ordered a meat lover’s pizza. It was going to cost me about 17, and I wanted to make sure I had enough money for it. So, I picked it up, and there was a $10, a $5, and 3 $1 bills. On the left hand corner of the bill, written with the shorter side of the note as the top and bottom ends, was someone's name. That is freaky; God, You know it is…Freaky. No, I really will not fall for it. God if you must, pull me like a recalcitrant son to my fate. Please, do not allow me be deceived by chance occurrences.
I was thinking: someone needs to find a formula to balance a chemical reaction, seriously, if there is none out there. I’m doing my homework now, and is involves some complex compounds; and a formula would make this a whole lot easier, so I could just go on to other stuff…like writing, or reading Calc, or praying or something.
Also, I wonder is there any real need to check my email before 8am on a school day? If I checked my email a night before; should I really bother going to the OWA website that my college switched over to? No staff is going to arrive that early, and send an email; so maybe it is just a function of habit; maybe it is because we cannot live without the internet anymore. But is it really just the “internet” as an entity, or is it that fact that as humans we want the things we see and do frequently? Is the internet just a past time, a apropos invention that gave man something more eclectic to engage in? But then, there was a real need to be met when Larry Page and Sergey Brin. Isn’t it amusing that I typed in “Google Boys” under the Google search engine, because I couldn’t remember the name of the other “Google Boy”? Also, the search engine has been acting weird, and making me type in letters to verify that I am not spyware; it causes me to wonder: how much is the security level of Google being compromised? As I have experienced, this security measure is extremely frustrating after the third time (oh, by the way, they prompt me twice to enter a password; more than any other I have ever seen); and I resorted to using the “Mamma” search to find articles on “Google Boys.” That is ironic.
I find that when I want to get to the last word of my last sentence while typing, I do not want to have to scroll all the way down or scroll forward to get there. I want to be able to press a single button and continue writing immediately; same thing goes for scrolling to the top or the middle, or even to a specific idea. Some applications have this ability already, where your cursor is navigated to the end of a page when you press down, but only if you are on the same line qua last line. A random thought comes to me: what if you had an extra button to guide you to the middle of a page, or line; and the screen of the computer were to be made smaller, to lend more importance to that move. The “screen” or really just the info on the screen can be projected outwards from the computer to increase its size. Then again, mind reading computers can come into play; but that is very dangerous territory, very dangerous…
Anyways, “Mamma” (its ue has fallen so much, that inscribing it in quotes is not unnecessary) failed to find what I was looking for (maybe because I am used to the Googler’s method); so I am trying Yahoo!, which I am sure will come up with something; which it did!
Never buy “Suave Skin Therapy Cocoa Butter with Shea Moisturizer”; at least never in the US. It is a waste!!
I just read an article about survival mechanism of plants; and how they communicate through the neural network passing through their runners, with other plants of the same species. An experiment showed that caterpillars chose undamaged leaves over the damaged ones, because signals (harder leaves, etc) were sent to them from the plant. I guess this is important because it is not a good thing if an entire plant is eaten; rather see them spread out the pain, wouldn’t you say? Then, the downside of this, of course, is the susceptibility to viral attack, and such junk. But, I ask, why does this make headlines of yahoo.com? This is definitely not ground breaking stuff; neither is it new technology. How do articles make it to yahoo.com anyways?
Wow, I almost feel this cream is SUCKING the moisture from my hand!! Never buy
“Suave Skin Therapy Cocoa Butter with Shea Moisturizer”. Imagine if I opened up a website telling people what not to buy, from my experience; sort of like an opinion website? I would of course have to poll together a gaggle of people with different perspectives who are willing to ungaggle themselves and serve my purpose; but that could work…maybe…
I just read a horrible article about a boy who was kidnapped and molested for four years by a man, known as Devlin. It has been found that the boy had internet and phone access, which he chose not to use, because he had been threatened with the devil’s bargain: promise not to run away if you want to stay alive, while performing sodomist and other horrible acts with his molester. Did he really believe he could not get away or contact help; or was he like an animal who had become accustomed to its cage, that it would stay within the “invisible confines” of the cage? Very sad…For some reason, this reminds me of “The Prestige.” Poor, poor boy.
Lord, I can sing of your love forever…I can sing of Your love forever; I can sing of your love forever…I can sing of your love forever…
Isn’t it funny how during this period that I decided to fast from food, facebook and AIM, I am suddenly reading Colleen’s mom’s blog, and getting more spiritually active from it? Is this why I met Colleen maybe; to be impacted by her mother’s blog?
Wow!! That is all I can say. I just read an article on yahoo that stated 8 things that turn men on about women, and the list included: baseball caps, sexy shampoos, a woman who can bite her lip and keep from crying, and this is exactly what I posted:
“i'm sorry but i think this is really sad...if this is infact the sort of stuff that turns a man on, then maybe we need to define or infact, redefine what it means to be a man...because somehow i don't fall into these categories...i started off from "come on," to "u have got to be kidding me." stereotypes are a horrible thing; that is probably the one that this article impressed upon me...stereotypes are a horrible thing! i do not claim to be a cognoscenti in this matter, but come on guys, come on...”
There a lot of things that need to be redefined. I think even the term man is too vague a word for use in today’s society, seriously. The Biblical assertion of manhood is sometimes so far away from the world’s that I’m thinking maybe Christians need a dictionary of their own. Why not? Why ever not? Seriously. The same way we have Christian schools, and Christian movies; why can’t we have dictionaries that define things in a Christian format?
Okay, so I really am not making any assertions here; I am just writing down something strange that happened to me today. Earlier today, I saw the women at the Java city at the ERC, and they asked me why I had not been eating my cinnamon rolls, so I told them that I had not been having breakfast. The real reason is probably that I took my mind off it for a while because I was spending a lot on it; and I did not need it as much as I previously did. So, as I walked up the steps, I was like…what can it hurt, you know, it’s just 1.59 anyways…I walked back down and paid for it with the only bill I had in my pocket, a $20. I pocketed the change and “enjoyed” the “special” cinnamon rolls with “caramel nuts”(which they added "specially" for me, by the way)
So, I got back after my EE261 test, which went fine; and I decided I was hungry. I was thinking pizza; so I called Domino’s up, and ordered a meat lover’s pizza. It was going to cost me about 17, and I wanted to make sure I had enough money for it. So, I picked it up, and there was a $10, a $5, and 3 $1 bills. On the left hand corner of the bill, written with the shorter side of the note as the top and bottom ends, was someone's name. That is freaky; God, You know it is…Freaky. No, I really will not fall for it. God if you must, pull me like a recalcitrant son to my fate. Please, do not allow me be deceived by chance occurrences.
I was thinking: someone needs to find a formula to balance a chemical reaction, seriously, if there is none out there. I’m doing my homework now, and is involves some complex compounds; and a formula would make this a whole lot easier, so I could just go on to other stuff…like writing, or reading Calc, or praying or something.
Day 18
Yeah, today was pretty much great. I think this is a near perfect time for me to make a comment on the day; it is ending in less than five minutes anyway; at least from what they tell us. I wonder if the 24 hour clock is biblical; and if it is, why is it being used? Is the Scripture the first place that this information was ever gotten; or was it found in some other ancient text? Anyways, it was a good day; I did not do much during my Honors class as usual, I really hope I make an A. Question is, if I make an A, will I deserve it? Can you turn back an assignment and say you want your grade bumped down, because you do not deserve a high grade; I wonder.
God made this day so wonderful; and I thank You for Your presence in this room; even now, as I speak, I bow myself before thy feet. Oh, Lord, remember to honor my request concerning my friends.
Off to bed…I'll need to write more into my novel; but I’m always tired these days.
God made this day so wonderful; and I thank You for Your presence in this room; even now, as I speak, I bow myself before thy feet. Oh, Lord, remember to honor my request concerning my friends.
Off to bed…I'll need to write more into my novel; but I’m always tired these days.
Day 17
Yeah, so I got up today really tired; but I managed to drag myself out of bed. My first class was Chem, and I saw that the score I received, a 73, was correct, and that I had made so many mistakes. I got my Calc project back, and my grade is a C-. Needless to say, I was devastated, but I made an appointment with my professor, and hopefully I can bump it up to a B. I really want to make a 4.0 this semester but things aren’t exactly going perfectly. Oh well…I attended the Exxon Mobil info session, and I think I fell asleep for slight periods of time while he was TALKING FOR HOURS it seemed!!! I find it interesting how someone can fall asleep briefly while sitting down, and then snap their heads up, and claim to be awake. Sleep is an interesting phenomenon; I really need to learn more about these things; I also need to learn better time management! But, God will help me. I talked to Peter about
(yeah, i cut some stuff out here)
God, I thank you because You are the one ordering my path, and I am not afraid of what my future holds for me. If the prophecies of wealth and responsibility are true, then so be it; if not, then let me not get them.
(cut out)
But, three is a crowd; so one will have to give way to company. Will it be me? I wonder…I wonder…
God good night for now; before I pray; I love you. Take care of my Dad, and Mom, and my sisters and brothers, and friends. Take care of the poor kids who have nothing to feed themselves with; and instill in me a discipline that I will need to overcome my problems.
12:54am…Sign out…
(yeah, i cut some stuff out here)
God, I thank you because You are the one ordering my path, and I am not afraid of what my future holds for me. If the prophecies of wealth and responsibility are true, then so be it; if not, then let me not get them.
(cut out)
But, three is a crowd; so one will have to give way to company. Will it be me? I wonder…I wonder…
God good night for now; before I pray; I love you. Take care of my Dad, and Mom, and my sisters and brothers, and friends. Take care of the poor kids who have nothing to feed themselves with; and instill in me a discipline that I will need to overcome my problems.
12:54am…Sign out…
Day 16...I'l cut out a lot here...okay?
Today was awesome! I was somewhat depressed the day before I remember clearly; even though I hung out with friends and played basketball for close to two hours. I also started teaching a couple of my friends how to dance to hip hop, and it was fun for me; funny, I did not laugh at them at all; I wonder if this shows maturity on my part. If so, I thank God immensely.
So, I got back, and I read my Bible, and prayed and went to bed; my usual routine. Something has been on my mind for a while; sorry...i have to cut out the rest; it is massively interesting though..the time is just not right...i'm not right..not yet
So, I got back, and I read my Bible, and prayed and went to bed; my usual routine. Something has been on my mind for a while; sorry...i have to cut out the rest; it is massively interesting though..the time is just not right...i'm not right..not yet
Day 8
I was told a story, of how two boys in my college do random things, like blaring Britney Spears songs, whenever people walk past their dorm window to see how the people would react. I know there are people, even in core engineering colleges, like mine, who would see the import of performing a study on people’s behavior, but I really don’t think that is what they were really doing. Even though I have never witnessed any such incident, I am of the opinion that they just want to do something strange and attract attention. That brings me back to my original idea: why do we really do what we do? I know some people are not too comfortable with the usage of “idea”, instead of “question” in the last sentence; it did strike me a bit odd to name a sentence in that format an idea, because I’m not really bringing anything substantially thought out onto the table. And yet, I am opening a doorway to “thought lines”, which must have their origin somewhere; in my opinion, that initial idea. Anyways, in further defense of my idiosyncracism , I really do not like English language; I actively think about starting my own language. Someone said, though, that if I have English as my foundation, it will take on the flaws of the language; that can be a sound argument, except it is replete with little loopholes which can be easily torn through. I also do not find it strange when people say English is the most expressive language; I’d also add that it is the most creative, because it involves an active effort on the part of the speaker to express himself to his audience, for the simple reason that English is really not a well-developed language. On the other hand, since it has so much room for improvement, doesn’t make it more complete? Its structure “allows” people to mess around with it, and come up with their own isotope of it. It reminds me of the common LINUX VS Microsoft argument.
People are in a way like English; very expressive, but not always completely understood. I do not think this argument just caters to people who reside in an “English” niche, but humanity, as a whole. Cultures, and environments, of course, change the format of this expression; but I think people have to be studied in seclusion, and not even remotely in a stereotype. I cannot substantiate this claim just yet because I am very distracted; maybe I need to write in the deep of the night and not during the day.
Sign off. 4 16 pm.
People are in a way like English; very expressive, but not always completely understood. I do not think this argument just caters to people who reside in an “English” niche, but humanity, as a whole. Cultures, and environments, of course, change the format of this expression; but I think people have to be studied in seclusion, and not even remotely in a stereotype. I cannot substantiate this claim just yet because I am very distracted; maybe I need to write in the deep of the night and not during the day.
Sign off. 4 16 pm.
Day 8?
I don’t really know how far between my writing has been; the days wear on, slaving away, as though racing for a goal. It alarms me to know how far into school I am already in the short period I have been here; but I don’t mind if they are lying when they say I have been here four weeks; it just brings me closer to graduation, which is at least three years away. But what do I know of years; I can’t even keep the days straight, so I’ll just let them do the counting; it’s more work anyways. I just wrote a poem, and I’m proud of it. I do not think it is my best poem, but it has a very intimate relationship with me; it is not just a poem I wrote, it is life. I just came back a few hours ago from watching a movie: “The Ultimate Gift”, and I contemplated adding it on my favorite movies on Facebook, but I need to watch the entire thing again, seeing that I missed about thirty minutes of it anyways. These last couple of days have really been “just” days; I can feel my creativity rising again. It ebbed for quite a while; or rather, it seemed to. Nothing in life beats FEELING accomplished; sometimes, it is not even accomplishment itself; because accomplishment as an action, if unappreciated, is nothing; but the ideal…a feeling of accomplishment, a relaxing of life’s pressure because you FEEL like you can be a part of something big…now, that is an awesome feeling. No wonder movies and music are so huge; and will probably remain huge until thoughts become inhibited and controlled by external forces. You may be thinking, “as if they are not already”; but I’m thinking more along the lines of “1984” by George Orwell: complete and total mind control. I do not think that is impossible; scientists are going Captain Nemo on a lot of things, and only God knows what they can uncover. It’s just like the monstrosities that were created during the Holocaust; once a hand is slipped into the mind of the unknown without “moral” convictions, anything and everything is possible. Funny thing is I listened to Kanye West today on why his album sold so well, and he sold his secret right there in the studio: he talked about his music being inspirational, like a drug you can get high on. Then I did not really think about it, and now, I am not even really thinking about it, but an idea came to my mind about how people are always satisfied with these ethereal feelings. The fact that this idea drifted into my head tends to shift me towards a talk I listened to and an idea I am playing with, about how thoughts fly, and ideas hover around people, waiting, begging to be plucked. That is probably why most of the original inventions happened by accident; they “stumbled” upon these ideas because they were faithful in their own work. It is similar to a man who farms an area of land everyday diligently and one day finds oil on it, and sells everything he has to gain it. Most original scientists (I refer to them as original because I do not believe that there have been too many, or even any at all, inventions in modern times in the real sense of the word “original”[ αρχικός meaning initial). I wonder if horror movies are not a product of some diabolic psycho control scheme created in some lab, harvested, and born into the world as ideas, also available to be plucked. It is 4:34 am, and I am contemplating sleep; but then again, I do not remember enough about Biology to have any qualms about it. Que sera sera…I have holidays through the weekend to Tuesday anyways, so it is no need to make any ruckus over my lack of sleep. It is all for good cause; God has been unimaginably good to me. I thought of using the word “faithful”, but that just seems wrong because I did not really give Him anything in the real sense of it in exchange for all the things I have received in return; He owned, owns, it all anyways. I just realized that I have watched more exceptional movies than I have read profound books; but, it is funny most times that I find people say it is near impossible to recreate the feelings of a book into a movie. I really do not think I believe that; I will give a small example: In the movie I watched today, or rather in the dieing hours of yesterday, there was a point where this little girl dieing of leukemia was riding a horse which had reindeer rubber Christmas horns tied around its head; it looked exceptionally funny, and it showed up in at least three consecutive scenes simultaneously. Now, I could see the horse, and I did not need to be reminded that the reindeered horse looked funny, for the simple reason that I could see it myself; but how does a writer remind a reader of something like that without seeming repetitive and actually stating what he had already done a few lines before? How can he keep the reader’s attention focused on the horse, as well as discuss other things? I really think it is possible; but I want to read it done. Until then, I believe books may well reach extinction one day; held revered as symbols of a history only by prestigious institutions. What will happen to the Bible then? I know it will definitely not become “extinct” or anything; but how much will moving away from the paper form distort its meaning? Definitely more than it has already been I’m sure; that is scary and sad. I really hope I do not get to see the day; or better yet, I hope I am the man who has a hand in helping the transition go smoothly from one format to another.
On a closing note, the main character in the movie I saw in the final hours of yesterday, when asked what his dream was said: it was to help other people achieve their dreams; and I realized right then, that is my dream; no wonder I am always confused as to what to do without my numerous talents. In opening the door for others, I will be moving closer and closer to my ultimate dream of changing the world.
It just takes one step at a time; I will make it; heck, I have God taking the wheels.
Sign off: 4:50am. I’ll probably sleep for a couple of hours. Yay.
On a closing note, the main character in the movie I saw in the final hours of yesterday, when asked what his dream was said: it was to help other people achieve their dreams; and I realized right then, that is my dream; no wonder I am always confused as to what to do without my numerous talents. In opening the door for others, I will be moving closer and closer to my ultimate dream of changing the world.
It just takes one step at a time; I will make it; heck, I have God taking the wheels.
Sign off: 4:50am. I’ll probably sleep for a couple of hours. Yay.
Day 6
It is 1:27am; I just thought about how much God has given us, and how much we owe Him. I almost read through a chapter of my Physics a few minutes ago, but I was getting sleepy so I decided that writing this is more important. I find that it has become my natural instinct to question life; I am not content with getting the pencil-pushing analogies with which life is hypothesized.. For as long as I can remember I have been a deep thinker; I remember seating outside the bathroom doors, when my sisters were taking showers, and talking for prolonged periods about life and "girls and guys" (I thought I was some sort of relationship guru...no...cognoscenti...there). Maybe not as long as I can remember, but at least after my SS3 education back home, I had a very abstract and deep thinking. Sometimes, I wake up and little things amaze me ; I ask questions like: “Why am I taking a shower today?” God, I am a little confused with life right now; I cannot see the beauty I could find before in your creations. How long can the body actually adapt to strenuous hours of work, without shutting the system off. Lord, I pray unto you; reignite my dreams; and make me Your servant. Please Lord, I cannot seem to think “’creativity” like I used to.
Help me….
Help me….
Day 5
Yep, I’m starting off a little early today; but not because I do not plan on staying awake till 3am as I am supposed to. I have been studying all night long, and I think my brain needs a rest, so I have decided to write. Yep, I could also probably be reading my Bible, because I really have to read Matt 15 this morning; I’ve already done Psalms. In case you are wondering why this is marked as Day 5, I bummed out for two days; yep, not kool I know. It is unimaginably hard to stay up at 3 am, especially when you have been awake for almost 24 hours; it is not the coolest way to spend your day, or rather start it. Today started incredibly; it was so wonderful: I listened in classes and actually participated, and I felt I could actually enjoy school. A lot of random things happened to me today; I had mood swings as usual. I am very groggy right now, and I do not really know how I will complete this spligz….I do not drink coffee; that would have been a tremendous help right now. Hard as it was immune…(ok, so this is going to sound weird but I have recollection of see if I knew new people <> >. Does that mean that there is a different part of the brain that puts things together from one that actually ‘remembers’?
I’m tired of Facebook; I find it a bit boring now, because I am not into having a hundred applications on my Facebook page; it just is not my thing. I’m listening to Christian music and I’m bumping my head to the beats. Oh, yea, I should have tried to find u; I know it seems repetitive but I am really tired, it has been a long day! Random question, I am pretty sure I do not sleep talk; so if I can sleep type, why can’t I sleep talk? It just seems logical to me; I also know that it is 2 39 am right now, and I am still really sleepy. I can hardly keep my eyes open, so thinking has become harder.
I listened to a very good speaker today; well, technically, it was yesterday. Tim Wise, the antiracist and affirmative action propagandist. I think I will change that word “propagandist” because it has a derogatory connotation which I am not trying to express. Tim Wise is an affirmative action buff; I was thinking about using the word cognoscente, but I don’t know how well it can be used in this context, and I must confess partiality to the word. For me, complex words rule. Anyways, I think he came at an apropos time for me, because I had started thinking about a lot of things again. Recently, I seemed to have lost my passion for my dreams; no, that is not the way to say it, I had become less passionate about it: I wrote less, thought less, prayed less. I find it absolutely astonishing how powerful an effect prayer can have, not just on your life, but on something as complex as your day. Praying in the morning, for me, can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. That does not seem right does it; the fact that I think a day is more complex than the entirety of life? Reason with me, the Bible says that we should not WORRY about tomorrow, but instead focus on the day because it has enough evils unto it. Think about what that means for a second; Random thought: how did that expression come about “…for a second”? Is it easier to say than an hour, even though most times we really want people to think deeply (I always say, "think with me") about something when we say think for a second. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a language to call my own? Seriously, I keep taking things outside the box; just like the word LOL for example; not everyone wants to laugh out loud everytime, so I devised something very simple: a simple “L”. What does this mean? When you feel like laughing, you type in the letter “L”, respective to the amount of times you laugh. Truly, that makes sense to me. But on the other hand, LOL has a lot of things going for it that mine does not; like say the similar sound of LOL with AOL, which, believe it or not, has influenced a lot of modern day computer acronyms.
But back to Tim Wise, his speech awakened in me an awareness, not just of prevalence of racism, it did that as well; but of the power of ideas and will. His life story was somewhat pathetic, but he did not dwell on it; he showed his achievements, not just in spite of, but as a result of, those circumstances. I truly believe that I have some more “meditating” to do before the day is over; I will get back to you.
And, oh, by the way, the time now is 9:22am.
I’m tired of Facebook; I find it a bit boring now, because I am not into having a hundred applications on my Facebook page; it just is not my thing. I’m listening to Christian music and I’m bumping my head to the beats. Oh, yea, I should have tried to find u
I listened to a very good speaker today; well, technically, it was yesterday. Tim Wise, the antiracist and affirmative action propagandist. I think I will change that word “propagandist” because it has a derogatory connotation which I am not trying to express. Tim Wise is an affirmative action buff
But back to Tim Wise, his speech awakened in me an awareness, not just of prevalence of racism, it did that as well; but of the power of ideas and will. His life story was somewhat pathetic, but he did not dwell on it; he showed his achievements, not just in spite of, but as a result of, those circumstances. I truly believe that I have some more “meditating” to do before the day is over; I will get back to you.
And, oh, by the way, the time now is 9:22am.
Day 2
2: 59 am…and here I am again. I just had a fulfilling meal…French toast; three slices of it. I think it is my first meal of the day, literally. Because this is a new day; it is funny to think of it that way since I really haven’t slept at all, so it seems pretty much the same day to me. I just had a random thought: if I stay awake every hour of every day, will I age slower, or faster? Will I really be getting “older” in the true sense of it because I will not be going through the life cycles of man in the real sense of it? Family Guy is on; but I really don’t care too much about it. It did make me think of something though…what is the concept behind Stewie? Who created him and for what purpose? He is a genius baby; and his dad is a complete loser. So, I just randomly went to a website, http://www.parentstv.org/PTC/publications/reports/top10bestandworst/main.asp,
to do a search on the show, and I found out that Family Guy is on the No. 18 on the list of the worst TV shows, meaning there are only two other TV shows worse than it on the list; but get this, it is No.6 on the most watched shows by children.
9 red-rated movies (for the very worst) are in the list of the Most Watched Movies by children, now get this, between 2 and 17 years. Hmm…Interesting.
So, am I really a flirt? I talked with this girl who works at the gym today, and she was wearing a pair of multicolored stockings, and funny enough, I actually liked them. She pulled it off in my opinion; so, I was talking with her and two of friends were over by the weighing machine, right behind us. And, as my conversation with her went on, I noticed that something else matched: her ear rings matched her green eyes really well. I told her; I have a thing with saying thins like that because I’m big on little subtle details. My friends said I was flirting with her. I’m really flirty, but does that make me a flirt? Actually, I mistyped; I meant to write I’m really friendly.
My other apartment mate put up some black and white pictures; I think they look good, maybe they are a little too close together though, I’m really not sure. I’m really sleepy right now and I am gonna call it a night. I’m presently working on just 3hrs of sleep, so it is probably a good idea to hit the sack
to do a search on the show, and I found out that Family Guy is on the No. 18 on the list of the worst TV shows, meaning there are only two other TV shows worse than it on the list; but get this, it is No.6 on the most watched shows by children.
9 red-rated movies (for the very worst) are in the list of the Most Watched Movies by children, now get this, between 2 and 17 years. Hmm…Interesting.
So, am I really a flirt? I talked with this girl who works at the gym today, and she was wearing a pair of multicolored stockings, and funny enough, I actually liked them. She pulled it off in my opinion; so, I was talking with her and two of friends were over by the weighing machine, right behind us. And, as my conversation with her went on, I noticed that something else matched: her ear rings matched her green eyes really well. I told her; I have a thing with saying thins like that because I’m big on little subtle details. My friends said I was flirting with her. I’m really flirty, but does that make me a flirt? Actually, I mistyped; I meant to write I’m really friendly.
My other apartment mate put up some black and white pictures; I think they look good, maybe they are a little too close together though, I’m really not sure. I’m really sleepy right now and I am gonna call it a night. I’m presently working on just 3hrs of sleep, so it is probably a good idea to hit the sack
Day 1
Hey. You cannot imagine how confused I am now as I write this; maybe, if or when this thing finally gets completed, I will change the tense of the sentence. I think I just heard God’s voice once again this early morning…Oh, by the way, it is 3:36 am; and I am listening to some worship music in my school apartment building. My roommate is leafing through a book, in the process of completing his homework; he had already told me he would have less sleep than me. I don’t know how true that is, since I have a 9am class, and my phone alarm is set for 8am. His first class is also at 9am, so he is probably right. Anyways, I was reading my Bible a couple of minutes ago; Psalms and Matthew simultaneously. You see, we are having a challenge; we call it the 57 challenge: Read a chapter of Matthew a day. Then , there is the 57 ++ challenge, which I decided to take up: Read a chapter of Matthew and Psalms a day. I am on the 12th chapter at the moment; so that means it has been 12 days since I last saw my youth group leader, Daniel Paladin, known more commonly as D.P. His wife, Brietta, whose father, Rick Sinclair, is the pastor of my local church, Christian Fellowship Center, just delivered a baby girl, Aubrey Collette Paladin. But, she had heart defects and Brietta had to be put under the knife for a Cesarean operation. She is healthy right now; but the last I heard the baby, Aubrey, still had a fluctuating heart beat. I really am supposed to be praying for them right now; that is really what I decided to do after reading my Bible. I made the decision that I should read my Bible before praying; even though my prayer has not been as consistent as I like it to be. Anyways, I had just read through Psalms 12, and it seemed to me like King David was very frustrated with God’s lack of action, and he decided to praise God instead to see if he would get a result. When I was reading my Bible in the living room (before I came into my bedroom), I was a little disturbed at what I thought was David’s claim to innocence; I thought and I said to myself, he probably does not know about his little future thing with Ur’s wife. Anyways, when I reread on my bed, with my laptop on my lap (which I find a funny name because I don’t think they are usually on people’s laps; but then again, it seems more convenient that people would have their laptops on their laps when they sat on their beds. I find it funny that an almost infinitesimal amount of people are awake at this time; it makes me a little proud to know that while others sleep, I am awake. Does this mean that when they are awake, I will be sleeping? I sure hope not, because I have at least two interiews tomorrow; one of which I do not know who it is with), tears suddenly shot up in my eyes, because I could feel David’s barreness at that moment. This line comes back to me as I think:
“they ask me to flee, like a bird to my mountain.”
I could feel what he felt: where could he run to; he thought he was already on his mountain. But, he was getting confused with the character of God; God was confusing him; that was probably why he asked, “What can the righteous do when their foundation is taken away?” David felt drained, and he probably was ready to die; yeah, I have felt that way a couple of times; ok, a lot of times, more times than I want to divulge.
Okay, so back to the point, I leaned my head to the side of my bed; it is a really narrow bed, and it rests almost completely flush with the wall. Wow, before I continue, it is 3:58 right now; and I find myself asking this one question; or is it two questions:
”Do I want to wake up VERY groggy tomorrow, or do I want to write?”
You seee, I have not written anything now in a long time, about two weeks; that is a long time for me. I write a lot. Oh, I’m sorry, I haven’t told you what I heard God tell me. He said I should wake up at 3am everyday and write, and He would meet me at that time. So, I asked for a sign, and my mind tried to get in the way, as it is wont to. So, I thought I heard, keep reading; and then, a completely different voice, read the 15th verse; so, I went back to the 15th verse, because that was more straight-forward. But once I saw it, I knew the word there could not be for me; so I decided to keep reading. As soon, as I did that, I saw the verse where Jesus was condemning the people for asking for a sign; and I knew, of a truth, God had shown me a sign. I don’t think He was angry I asked for a sign, because I haven’t done that in a very long time now; whenever I feel like my mind needs a sign, I quickly tell God I don’t want one.
So, that is the story for now; I said I couldn’t do it; so, I told Him to wake me up, and give me the strength to stay up. This makes it less difficult for me, and at the same time, more difficult. Because if God honors my request, and gives me strength, and I decide to go back to bed, I have forsaken Him. I do not want to take that lightly in any way.
So, my roommate said he was going to sleep, like three minutes ago, and I have also decided to do the same. He is still on the computer, so he is probably right: he will go to bed later than me, albeit by just a few minutes. Random thought: I just thought of “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer”. Exceptional movie.
Okay, I’m going to bed. I’ll see what happens tomorrow. God, I love you; thank you.
“they ask me to flee, like a bird to my mountain.”
I could feel what he felt: where could he run to; he thought he was already on his mountain. But, he was getting confused with the character of God; God was confusing him; that was probably why he asked, “What can the righteous do when their foundation is taken away?” David felt drained, and he probably was ready to die; yeah, I have felt that way a couple of times; ok, a lot of times, more times than I want to divulge.
Okay, so back to the point, I leaned my head to the side of my bed; it is a really narrow bed, and it rests almost completely flush with the wall. Wow, before I continue, it is 3:58 right now; and I find myself asking this one question; or is it two questions:
”Do I want to wake up VERY groggy tomorrow, or do I want to write?”
You seee, I have not written anything now in a long time, about two weeks; that is a long time for me. I write a lot. Oh, I’m sorry, I haven’t told you what I heard God tell me. He said I should wake up at 3am everyday and write, and He would meet me at that time. So, I asked for a sign, and my mind tried to get in the way, as it is wont to. So, I thought I heard, keep reading; and then, a completely different voice, read the 15th verse; so, I went back to the 15th verse, because that was more straight-forward. But once I saw it, I knew the word there could not be for me; so I decided to keep reading. As soon, as I did that, I saw the verse where Jesus was condemning the people for asking for a sign; and I knew, of a truth, God had shown me a sign. I don’t think He was angry I asked for a sign, because I haven’t done that in a very long time now; whenever I feel like my mind needs a sign, I quickly tell God I don’t want one.
So, that is the story for now; I said I couldn’t do it; so, I told Him to wake me up, and give me the strength to stay up. This makes it less difficult for me, and at the same time, more difficult. Because if God honors my request, and gives me strength, and I decide to go back to bed, I have forsaken Him. I do not want to take that lightly in any way.
So, my roommate said he was going to sleep, like three minutes ago, and I have also decided to do the same. He is still on the computer, so he is probably right: he will go to bed later than me, albeit by just a few minutes. Random thought: I just thought of “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer”. Exceptional movie.
Okay, I’m going to bed. I’ll see what happens tomorrow. God, I love you; thank you.
Welcome
Ok, so I have been reading this particular blog for a while; and because of a certain conversation(if u can even call it that) with the owner; I decided that maybe I should put up my thoughts, since I always say I don't care what people think about me..seeing that I already know I'm a strange man..So, yeah...welcome to my nightly spligz(for those of u who havent heard the word, it's mine, my own very language)...by the way, it is also all about God...
By the way, the blogs r all going to b posted on the same day...so they have the days atop the writing...but after the last post, I'll not be using that (demode, dowdy, antiquated) style anymore...yea, words excite me
By the way, the blogs r all going to b posted on the same day...so they have the days atop the writing...but after the last post, I'll not be using that (demode, dowdy, antiquated) style anymore...yea, words excite me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
